Blog, Creative Writing

Silence (My Healer)

Drip. Drop. Goes the sound of the water. Drips of water that left the hot tap leaving the sink disappearing down the drain. The silence. The silence that surrounds me, the silence that comforts me, silence is within everything. Every living thing, in everything that I do. Silence after I breathe, silence after each footstep. Silence after the madness, pain. Silence in every laughter, every shout of joy. Silence when I wake up, and when I fall asleep. Silence after gushes of wind moving through my body, silence surrounds me. Silence after the intense conversation and nothing to say. What comes after the noise is the silence. Silence lives within.

Every tears, cries ending in silence, Every laughter that I have shared ending in silence, every breath that I exhaled ending in silence. Every voice ending in silence, the noice quietening and silence embracing me. The sharp pain within my chest evolving into nothingness, ending and transforming into silence, into calmness. Into tranquility.

The distant lull of the water hitting the shore, each wave flowing in the rhythm of the gentle, swaying trees with the pelting rain. Every stream of water, every sway of the leaves in trees ending in silence.

Looking out the window, gazing at my view. The moonlight illuminating against the now luminiscent ocean. The sound of the tender waves of the ocean in level with Earth, the serene flow of swooning trees, the gentle and light breeze. Peace. The twinkling starts gleaming within the sky, along the moon igniting, brightening the sky. Radiating the wonderful perfection of this magnificent Universe. My healer.

Pain does not have to be something I have to be accustomed with. Pain is fleeting and emotions move, evolve and shift into abyss. Just lke the wax holding onto the fragrance of jasmine until it cannot anymore. Just like when the rain stops, the rainbow reveals its presence accompanied with the sun. Just like agony, suffering transforming into love and peace and pain turning into joy, into happiness.

I can become one.

“I am okay. I am living. I am breathing” I chant to myself.

Walking towards my bedside, lighting up the candle. The gradual, delicate scent of jasmine oozing from its wax. The sweetness of jasmine streaming into the darkest corners of my room. Warm, toasty blanket of the heavenly scent surrounding me. Refreshing and tingling my senses with its divine aura of healing energies and sensuality.

The rush of emotions pouring over me, the intense sharpness against my chest, reaching into my throat. Intensifying, inflaming within. The tingling sensations writhing against my eyes, the watery substance flowing down my cheeks in freefall. “I am okay, I am alive, I am breathing” I chant to myself, tasting the saltiness of my tears. “I miss him” I weakly whisper in admission, speaking into nothingness. Into silence. The ocean crashing against the shore in sync with me, the rain welting down, fading into the hollowness of the ocean. Inhaling the fragmatic aroma of jasmine, the pleasant scent that soothes, silencing the tones of sadness. Quietly calming my soul and body into a dreamless state of peace. Into silence.

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Blog, Spirituality

Essence of Gratitude

Gratitude is peace. Gratitude is love. Gratitude is healing. Gratitude is kindness, happiness, genorosity. Gratitude is thankfulness. Gratitude is gratefulness. Gratitude has the power of setting the tone for a new day. Whether it is through affirmations in the mornings/nights, aligning your mind, soul and spirit, journalling and being mindful of things to be grateful for throughout the day. Allowing yourself to shift your mind to positive thinking, living within positive energies and creating a healthy mindset.

Gratefulness gives us the power of transforming the ways we see ourselves and how we see life. Either in everyday life or life in hindsight (holistically). The significance of gratitude is not in the huge milestones, or in life-altering moments, rather the moments we view as insignificance. In regular lives, everyday activities/routines or living within the familiarities of life.

“Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and the law of attraction will recieve those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them”

Rhonda Byrne

The essence of gratitude is within the simplicities of living spaces, things we are used to, things we are not mindful of. From appreciating our senses: touch, sight, smell, hearing and taste. Being able to have a functional body: mouth, ears, nose, fingers, toes, arms, legs, spine. To being able to experience life.

Gratefulness is living within the smallest fragments of our lives, in the ability to think, feel, breathe, live. Gratitude is being kind to yourself; valuing your body, soul and spirit. Gratitude is loving your body, soul and spirit. In appreciating yourself. Gratitude is pouring your body, soul and spirit with inner peace.

You can have countless problems, you can be in pain, in suffering. You can be experiencing erratic thoughts and feelings but you can find moments of gratitude. You are here, you are alive, you are present. We are living in a magnificent planet that allows us to live, breathe, in being present. We are alive, our thoughts and feelings are valid, there is light in the darkness, there is moments of gratefulness in situations that seems impossible to get out of. There is power in relying on your body, aligning your body, soul and spirit.

We are infinite.

Gratitude is in the simplicities of living spaces. Feelings are fleeting, thoughts are temporary, life situations are ephemeral. You are here, you are alive, you are living, you are breathing, you are infinite. I repeat these words in ways in affirming, in reminding ourselves of when there are hardships, there are always ways to think positively, in training our minds to have healthy perceptions. To put into perspective, breathing is something we consistently do, many have the capabilities of doing so independently. However, there are people who are not breathing, or have to rely on a machine to be able to breathe. It is not about disregarding thoughts, feelings or life situations but, how we have the means of doing it on our own yet, not something we think about, that we have the ability to breathe on our own. Gratitude is in the simplicities of living spaces.

Gratitude has fundamental properties in healing, enhancing positive energies and life. Our minds are tools, it feeds off of what we think, feel, read, listen, see. It is an instrument that plays in the ways we function; implementing gratitude is the definite way in training our minds into positive thinking, inducing a healthier mindset. There is always something to be grateful for. Gratitude is a way of life.

Gratitude is peace. Gratitude is love. Gratitude is healing. I am okay; I am alive; I am here, present in this moment; I am living, breathing; I exist in this world; I am infinite.

“Gratitude is a state of being in which we feel connected to everything in the universe. It is a fullness of the heart that recognizes the blessings of nature within and without. Gratitude is the love for the goodness of life itself.”

Deepak chopra

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Blog

Illusion Of Time

Time is a beautiful illusion. This concept allows us to believe we have time in experiencing life. Time. Many think we have, do not have or don’t have enough of.

What if there was no such thing as time and there was only infinity, a timeless state. Life is infinite, the world we live in is infinite, the space that swirls around us and orbits around us is infinite. God is infinite, Universe is an infinite space, life is infinite, love is infinite and peace is infinite. So does time exist, if our surroundings are limitless?

There have been many moments in life, where I would live in peace, stillness and life would move through me, there was no fear of time, obsession over time. There was only presence and stillness. Moments where I was in deep consciousness made me think of what an illusion time is, how we stress about time, how time influences the life that we live and how we make our decisions.

How I viewed moments of not having no time, or not having enough time is accepting what is. Accepting what is allows us to make peace of situations we cannot change, when at peace there is no anxiousness surrounding time. It is something we need to unlearn to do, and not something many people think about. Like a simple context as being in a situation where you are late for an event. You cannot really change the fact that you are late, yet it is something we put so much energy into stressing and fearing about. What can you do when you are late? Accept that it is what is? To life situations that can hinder your growth, healing and well-being: when believing in right or wrong timing. It is essential to pour yourself with kindness, compassion and love when life isn’t going the way that you want it to. Time gives us a sense of identity, pain gives us a sense of identity. Accepting what is provides us with peace and a deep conscious state of mind

We believe in fate, destiny. We believe in everything happening for a reason yet, we believe in time and that time influences the life situations that we are in. It wasn’t wrong timing, it was supposed to happen for your life. It does not need to be negative circumstances, many times they are blessings, lessons and a reason for us to grow and evolve. Healing comes in different shapes, stories and sizes.

How can time exist, when we live in a space of infinity?

Maybe it is accepting what is, maybe it is not about right or wrong time. Rather about embracing the happenings of life. Time is a devastating illusion that has the ability to control us, restrict us and limit us from experiencing the wholeness of life.

Eckhart Tolle said it best: “To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with past and fuure and an unwillingness to honour and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be.”

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What Is Ego?

Ego. I have been thinking about this word, the meaning and significance it holds. Ego defined as “your idea or opinion of yourself especially your feeling of your own importance and ability.” When having a growing relationship with myself, the more I choose love and peace. Having an egoic mind is becoming farther away, where superficiality can never belong in pure and true energies. I have grown farther away from ego and embraced vulnerability, in living within love and peace.

Ego is driven by destruction and devastation. Ego is led by hatred, resentment and revenge; deeply negative induced energies that goes against the grain of living in harmony and love.

From existing within the society, the identifications we have given ourselves, the labels, beliefs, ideations/concepts. When living in a society that has created divide between us and our mind identifications on how we see ourselves, our reactions when it comes to life situations, our behaviour, thoughts and emotions. How ego creates a bridge between humanity and oneness. Having an egoic mind stimulates harm and suffering, distancing oneself deeply away from living in consciousness.

Ego causes more suffering, it hurts us more than it protects us from life situations. What we identify with, the significance that one’s beliefs hold, morals and values truly has no importance when it comes to love and peace, the fundamentals of our being, in being.

Sometimes our prides are our enemies, living in our minds and creating an attachment to words, thoughts, feelings is what heightens a barrier when it comes to experiencing life, saying yes to life and accepting love and peace. In accepting or embracing what is.

Where there is love, there is no ego. When living in peace, you can’t be attached to your ego. Superficiality does not belong within the energies living in purity. Man made concepts does not live within true living energies. Just like happiness does not live in sadness; life does not live in death; love does not live in agony; peace does not live in disharmony.

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The Power of Oneness

Where do I even begin…. this was something I was struggling to wrap my head around since the idea of thinking about relationships/marriage. Stepping into adulthood and being in an age where marriage is something I ‘need’ to think about especially, being part of a community that has normalised getting married by 25, where getting married young is ideal especially, for women. Getting married in older ages is looked down upon and apparently determines whether you are worthy and physically appealing. Entering an age where people openly talk about a married life, I don’t even know about nor think about. Openly talking about it amongst others, joking about it and where women from young were taught to think about marriage, to give it fundamental significance. Not for celebrating love, no, but a belief that it is expected of us to do. To dream about meeting the perfect guy and getting married. Women have been taught to romanticise love and relationships/marriage, to fear not being in relationships and marriage. How the notion of getting married and being in a relationship somehow provides us with validation and acceptance within this man-made society and this patriarchial system.

Humans are natural social beings, we seek companionship, we want to be valued and appreciated. We want to experience love in its truest form, and if anyone was to give it to us we will happily take it. We seek togetherness, not because we want it, but because it is expected of us. Why is marriage not about celebrating love and more of something that is expected of us to do? This phrase is something I will continuously be repeating. There is more life outside of relationships/marriage and if you question the obsession and pressure of needing to be with someone, you are the wrong one.

The concept of aloneness has been internalised since we were children. The idea of singleness has been associated with loneliness. If you are single that means you are lonely. If you have never been in a relationship, the instinctual reaction is to be surprised and to ask ‘why’, ‘how come?’ (aahh that makes me laugh every time). I never indulged in romanticism and a futuristic me getting married, I never was the type to dream about it nor invest my time in indulging in men and thinking of being in a relationship from young. I guess this part of me, felt alienated from my community and forming stagnant connections with women. I have been single my whole life, and it is not something I am ashamed of. There is beauty in waiting and the power in feeling whole with yourself, in healing, in growing and looking after yourself and developing a relationship with yourself. To learn about yourself, to explore your beauty, your flaws, to please yourself, to spoil yourself and pouring yourself with unconditional love and everlasting inner peace. Just like you would with your partner.

The power of oneness. Marriage is about celebrating love, not a norm that is expected of us to do.

The power of oneness. The power of being single and not conforming to society, to rebel and shift the story of your life. The power of growth, the power of creating a life, manifesting it and living in it. The power of oneness in taking control. The power of being complete with yourself and only yourself. To remove the ideation that a relationship/ marriage is something that you need to fill a void within yourself because you are not valuable within your society. The power of being single means learning about yourself, experiencing life through your eyes, mind and soul and enlightening yourself to the beauty of life. You would question “yeah, I can do that with a partner why would I need to be alone?” but why are you in a relationship if you have not created a relationship with yourself and being comfortable with being alone? What happens if you seperate, what will you do? Are you going to be whole? Are you going to be comfortable in relying on yourself and being alone? Devoid the need to seek companionship because you think it will make you whole and fix everything that is wrong about yourself and being an answer to living a joyful life.

Love should be celebrated and appreciated for the universal and powerful energy that it is. Marriage should be about celebrating love and building a life with your love, but also being comfortable with being alone. Companionship is to compliment and enhance an extroadinary life, it shouldn’t be something you feel pressurised to do. Whether it is for other people being in relationships, being in an older age feeling lonely, living in a community where people are always getting married and it being a fixed standard for you to obtain. Or the obsession with needing to get married at an early age and comply to ideas that have been designed that sees fit in this man-made society.

The power of oneness. The beauty of aloneness, the serenity of having a relationship with yourself. The importance of unconditioning what you were taught that is held primary and changing the norms and rules. The essentiality of women turning the view of how this society sees us, from when we were born and was percieved as our only importance is to get married. That it does not matter whether we get married before 25 or after 25, it should not be a common conversation to have. Marriage is about celebrating love and not about what is expected of us to do.

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Blog, Romance, short story

Celestial Light

Chapter One

Walking through the woods, the trees swaying, the silence comforting and sound, hearing nothing but my footsteps. The breeze softly caressing my skin forming a small smile at the wonder that surrounds me, the serenity of nature surrounding me. I saw it, the opening of a mystified lake, sticks and stones scattered. The trees creating an alluring and picturesque scene, almost as if protecting their sanctuary, their safe place, their home; so hidden.

Calm and gentle waves flowing with soothing wind, the sound of the enchanting waterfall flowing powerfully yet feels tranquil and cathartic.

As I sit down near the water, I look up at the sky displaying the full moon, sprinkled with stars giving me peace, thinking this is it, this is my safe haven, my home. The breeze of the wind softly moving through my skin almost like gentle touches. Bringing my knees to my chest, I close my eyes. I see him, his wide smile revealing dimples on both cheeks one deeper than the other one, eyes twinkling “so beautiful” I thought.

Every time he was in my presence made me feel so safe and warm, so intense, butterflies swarming in my stomach needing to escape. Breathless. Ooohhh the little little ways he would protect me, not that I needed any, but it made me feel unknown feelings, feelings I couldn’t decipher. “Don’t do that” he would say when someone was laughing at me, “he shouldn’t have done that” he whispered, when a teacher was making fun of me. I could have sworn I saw him waiting for me after the day ended to go home. What an odd person, I said to myself. One whom makes you feel so safe, will protect or defend you over small things without thinking, and who brings out foreign emotions out of you and showers you with compliments: “you’re funny” “what do you mean?” scrunching my face “You’re you, I like it” still treasure those words till this day. But he would not talk to you, rather stay away from you then say something. How interesting.

I lay down beneath the grass taking in the night sky. My mind goes back to the last day, this is probably the last time I will see him, I dejected. There was no talking there was a boatload of unsaid things, there was pain for someone I could not grasp. He would not have liked me anyways, I’d reason, he didn’t say anything, what could I have done? He’ll be the one that got away, I know it. I remember that day, when he left, me running to the corridor to look out the window (yes, I freaking ran), gazing at him for the very last time, so pathetic and stupid, I chastised. Maybe I should have said something, it didn’t matter if he didn’t like me, nor did it matter if he didn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll get it. I would tell myself. It doesn’t matter now, he left and I am here with feelings I don’t know how to handle nor understand and things to say that may never be spoken aloud. It is okay. I will be okay, I convince myself, subconsciously knowing I was deluding myself. Something within me shifted, he did something to me, he moved me in such a way that is foregone, that will be hard to get past. Something heavy furled within my chest as he disappeared out of my view.

Chapter Two

Present Time

I hear rustling from a distance, the trees moving in motion, swaying rhythmically with the wind. I have been disturbed, someone is distracting me from my daydream. I begin to sit up and turn around being aware of my surroundings and alert knowing that anything can happen in the woods considering it is dark and I am alone. My eyes begin to adjust, squinting and continuing to wait. There is more movement, appearing to almost be like a figure seems as if they are heading towards this direction, towards me. As they walk out the shadows of the trees. I see him, I see Rico appearing, what a light, I joked. The moment he appears from the trees and sees me, he smiles brightly, gazing at me so intently, so intense almost as if looking into and through my soul.

“Hi” I exclaim, smiling,

“Rico” I say after a few beats

“Baby”

He sat down next to me, leaving no room between us. He looks around, perhaps thinking of something. Suddenly, he lifts me up by the hips and bridges me between his legs. “You should’ve just asked Rico” I laugh. He answers back with a deep chuckle, left dimple popping out. I lean my head back to his chest, grabbing both his arms and interlocking them around my stomach intertwining our hands together, sparks shooting through my body. I look down seeing our hands connected. I study both our hands, taking my fingers out of his fingers then in, repeating the motion couple of times, kissed his right hand in silent appreciation. My hands look so small wrapped around his hands, I wondered. But, they fit so perfectly. I let my eyes close, leaning back into his chest again, sinking into him and finding a comfortable position, taking in his presence. Something I never had once. There’s silence, not awkward silence but comfortable silence. Taking in our surroundings, embracing the feeling of being close to each other. Reflecting back on the imagination I had, appreciating his mere being, and feeling grateful that he is back in my life.

“I missed you” I whispered.

“I missed you” he replied. Burying his face in my hair, inhaling a deep breathe, pushing me into him as deep as he can. I have the urge to talk about it.

“Rico” I say quietly.

“Hmm”

“Before you came. I, I was thinking about the past. The hurt, the things that occurred to led up to this, but also the way I felt for you and still do.” I still for a moment, thinking of how to go around what I want to say next. Apprehensive for his reaction, I never knew how he will react, he was always full of surprises; I didn’t know he liked me until 3 years later. I ponder, if I didn’t confess would I have ever known. Would life have taken me towards this direction, the path with him in my life?

“From the moment I saw you to the moment I last saw you, so much had happened not physically but emotionally and mentally. There was so much unsaid things between us, the misunderstandings, the lack of communication and then this deep connection that sometimes made me feel like it’s bigger than me, then distance grew, and we parted ways. There was no name nor a way to word it. How was I to explain what I felt for you? There was pain before there was joy; there was distance, separation before unity, oneness and emotional shifts before any physical connection.

When I think about everything that occurred the past years in hindsight, it’s so crazy. Why did everything unfold the way it did. Is it to realise the depth, and intensity of this cosmic force I have for you and possibly you for me? Was we to seperate to realise that no matter how far we run, or how scared I am of the effect you have on me, you’ll always be here and it’ll come back to remind me that I can’t run away from you and this is how I truly feel? Because that is what happened until I realised that I couldn’t avoid my thoughts and feelings for you and I had to confront them.”

There was silence. A long silence left me feeling anticipated. Rico shifts his body to see my face, he studies my face heatedly for few moments. I study his face, his eyes, searching for answers and finding a cue to continue. I do as I gain the confidence to carry on.

“Then I think about the year that you were in my life, that year was the worst that I had in life. I wouldn’t even acknowledge that year if it wasn’t for you in it.” I say, laughingly attempting to shake off the unwarranted nervousness.

“I had unresolved issues, and they seemingly began to creep up again, it was impossible burying them in a subconscious box again. Thinking about life so negatively, not knowing life’s worth, not knowing the essence living had or the privilege it was to simply breathe. It left me quite depressed” I reluctantly admit, even to myself.

“I hurt you, I know it. I said and did things that caused you pain. I apologised. But it never feels enough. I did not want to speak about me until we saw each other, if we were ever going to see each other. I have questions that need answers. You did things too Rico. If you didn’t want me to be near you, you should have told me. You didn’t have to make people you knew at that time do it for you. That hurt, a lot. You got other people involved and they thought it was okay to do it. I wished you said something, when I spoke to you and you didn’t want me to. There were moments when you wouldn’t even look at me whenever I spoke to you, that hurt too. Was I so bad and unattractive that you couldn’t look at my face? You would run away whenever I got close. You seemed so disinterested. That was when I believed and convinced myself that you didn’t like me, you couldn’t. So, I stayed away from you including, your acts of chivalry. I couldn’t entertain it, Rico. It meant something, they signified something. When I declined them, I saw pain Rico. I saw it. When I mentioned it, you stared at me then you walked away. How did you think that made me feel? Why did you do it?” My voice breaking towards the end.

Uttering them words weren’t easy. The hurt associated with those words was torturous. So deeply embedded within, there was a sharp sting in the heart, needing an itch to take it away. I never glanced at him when speaking them aloud. I carried on staring forward at the water, afraid of seeing what emotions was coming out of his eyes. My lips began trembling. Not being able to control the wave of emotions surfacing that I was able to control when talking. Tears were welling around my eyes, knowing what was coming I look down. They flow with earnest. They flow. “Damn it” I whisper, frustrated that I can’t keep my emotions in check.

I was too in deep within my own thoughts to be aware of what was going on around me, that I didn’t see hands appearing to cup my cheeks. Forcing me to look up. When I knew what he wanted, I forced my eyes shut, not ready to see what was in front of me.

“Open your eyes Koni” he croaked.

His hands caress my cheeks, wiping the tears away. He brings his forehead to mine. Not saying anything.

Inhaling sharply almost, as if struggling to let out words.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”

I’m not finished. I told him so. Bringing his hands onto my lap, intertwining them tightly. “I need to finish what I have to say, I don’t want to hurt you, I know you never meant it.” Putting my hand on top of his, I stroke his hand with my thumb, more for my comfort than his. “I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry Rico. Saying those words never feels enough to remove years of pain.” I whispered. If only there was a way to remove the years of pain, I would do it. I just hope the years ahead surpass and heal the past four years of suffering.

“Despite, the hurt that we inflicted towards each other. In that period of life and even now, you were the only good thing that happened. I can’t regret meeting you because you were something, I looked forward to seeing. Every day I would wake up excited knowing that I was going to see you. We didn’t have to talk, just being in your presence, in your space was enough for me. It made me feel happy, to see your face look out the door every time I entered the room, it made me happy. It made me feel okay even if it was just for a couple of moments. The small moments of being in your proximity, the little conversations that we would have was the only thing I wanted in my head for days. Even after we went separate ways, you continued to be my light, the only thing that made me feel safe for the last four years. You protected me just by thought, by feeling. My light. I missed you, I missed you alot. Even with distance, when I was growing and moving on in life, the only place life wasn’t moving on from was with you and I never understood why.”

Chapter Three

Needing to feel closer to him, I move not looking at his face but finding comfort that he is still here. I shuffle myself towards him, finding his shoulders to hold onto while straddling him. Wrapping my legs around his waist hoisting myself up to be in level with his face, bringing my face close to his until we were a breath away. This newfound courage making me feel brave, I put my hands behind his neck bringing it close until our nose are touching. Not having the intention of our mouth connecting together, but just having the want of being in his energy. Needing him to know how much he means to me, the significance of my words that are for only him means to me, that being vulnerable isn’t easy for I never was vulnerable for anyone. I didn’t need to be because he was the first of many things for me including intimacy and romanticism. He did not just come into my life, but he left his imprint, he left his presence inside my soul and the longing never stopped. Not for one moment. Rather, intensified and the intensity of those feelings was something I never knew how to handle. It is something I have just begun to welcome.

If only he knew I never wanted to hurt him. I want his happiness and for him to open himself up to infinite peace. Even if we never were to be together or see each other again, I knew he was always going to be connected to me somehow, someway. The very thought does not scare me, not anymore. My Rico. My beacon of light. His light kept on shining even after we parted ways. His being, his existence was what kept me protected even without his physical spirit. Just the very thought of him and keeping him alive within, during times of struggles; in times of hardships gave me solace, alleviation.

There’s peace and clarity in the finality of speaking those words, especially saying it to him.

The hands that were placed in his jawline, begin their journey around his face. Starting at his forehead, moving to his eyes, such kind eyes. The way he would look at me with those eyes like he is looking deep into my soul, those eyes gazing at me with acceptance, no judgements. I missed them. My fingers travel caressing underneath his eyes. His eyes close at that one, a small smile bounces around my lips relishing that I can do that to him. I move a finger down his nose, then stroke his cheeks I stay there for a brief moment, wondering how he came back to me. My Rico. Shifting my fingers to his lips, running my fingers around them. These lips. The generosity of God’s work is prominent but it’s not that, it’s the smile. So wide and wholesome, gives me so much bliss. My favourite is when I bring a smile out of him when I do or say things in moments of dorkiness. It has given me so much pleasure and joy knowing I can do that to him. I didn’t even need to force the way I was around him; it came out naturally. The best part.

The more I stare at his mouth the more I feel the need for oneness. Without thinking, I move my pointy finger inside his mouth. Rico opens his lips in open invitation. My eyes goes to his eyes and he keeps me there, frozen. Feeling his tongue wetting the pad of my finger, sucking the tip sending shockwaves of pleasure through me, envisioning those lips in hidden parts of my body gets me heated. I add my middle finger and he treats it the same way, biting the pad of my fingers. So hot. I take my fingers out of his mouth, needing to taste us together, I put them inside my mouth, licking it clean. Savouring the way we taste as it sends another rush of arousal to the lower part of my body.

“Fucking hell, Koni. What are you doing to me?” He utters, fingers digging into my hips, bringing his face close to mine.

I place my hands against his chest, feeling his heart beating fast knowing that my heart is moving in the same rhythm. His hands cup my head, running his fingers through my hair. My eyes involuntarily close as the tension between us grows, moving me so powerfully leaving me breathless. Overcome with the need for a taste I wanted him to kiss me and I told him so. With his mouth hovering over mine, the anticipation was torturous, needing to know how it’ll be like to have our lips connect so intimately with imaginations the only thing I am running with. “Say it again, baby. I’m not going to hold back.” “I want you to kiss me, please I need you” I plea, wanting, waiting.

Pulling me close, our lips touch, stars are what I see, fireworks are what I feel. Taking my mouth in a slow caress, touching me so delicately as if testing the waters, with a gentle tug, I tilt my head, giving him permission to take control, for him to dominate. Giving him my trust and exposing my vulnerabilities. Taking my mouth into his so deeply our lips fuse together. Moaning into his mouth, his tongue sweetly invading my mouth, not holding back as he feels every corner of my mouth. His kiss was so exhilarating, so drugging leaving me restless and needing more. Gripping his shirt in fists, I return his kiss just as deep. sweeping my tongue through his teeth, biting his bottom lip, sucking it, revelling in the way his mouth and body feels against me. Our tongue seeking each other, going deeper and harder, teeth clashing with our tongues in a twist. Is this how it’s like to be kissed? For someone to want you just as badly as you want them. To refuse every other guy to have him in this moment, to wait for him. Worth it. My hands search for skin to skin contact, needing to be closer to him, I shift under his shirt groaning into his lips at the feel of his skin, so smooth and soft, brushing my hands against his abs. His hands reach down my back to my ass, squeezing it, pulling me so I hover above his erection. The contact so agonisingly intense, I grind against him. Without breaking the kiss, he takes me to lay me down in the grass with his body towering over me. Enjoying the thrill of his body being over mine rather, than being scared of the closeness. Safe.

We stay like that, exploring each other’s mouth. Catching up on missing moments. His hands start moving to different places of my body, getting restless. “I missed you” I whisper against his lips, my lips quivering. Overtaken with emotions. His face dips to my neck, nipping and sucking at my neck, I open my legs wide for him to nestle between them, wanting his body on top of mine. His hands travel underneath the hem of my dress, momentarily halting. Knowing what he wants “I want you to do it. Please.” My eyes close overcome with heightening pleasure, as his hands resume back to manoeuvring up my waist, to my stomach moving his fingers up, squirting around my bra. Internally applauding myself for the easy access. I press my breasts against his chest needing some form of friction with our bodies. He brings his face above mine, looking at me directly into my eyes. Our breath mingling with each other. “You mean something to me, and I don’t get it. No matter how much I would fight you never went away. You were always there, in my mind.”

Chapter Four

I look into his eyes. “I want you to get off of me, Rico” I utter, gently. He watches me with confusion, his eyes searching my face. “I want you to get off of me, baby” I start again. He did so, still having the face of puzzlement and looking quite aloof. Probably wondering what had changed between now and then. Still maintaining eye contact, I slowly get up, smiling and then walk backwards fixating on his face. “I want you to chase me” I say to his unspoken question. “Say that again” he responds, knowing that he heard me the first time. “I want you to chase me, for you to get up and get me.” Something light appeared in his eyes, silent laughter dancing around his eyes, finally understanding my underlying words. “Koni, make sure you know what you’re asking for because I will chase you and when I do get you, I won’t let you go.” My heart skips a beat accompanied with butterflies, treasuring those words. “Come on then, come and get me. I’m not scared of you” I laughed. With that, I turn and spring towards the woods to the cabin not looking back at him, the rapid footsteps behind me indicates that he indeed is running after me. I look back, smiling seeing that he is returning the same smile. I press my legs to go faster not wanting him to catch up, not yet. I keep on running overwhelmed with adrenaline, feeling so free and whole. Pain changing into something akin to happiness, content.

The beautiful man that is running after me is finally here in my presence, in my life. The man that my body and soul seeks for is here, in my life. My Rico. As I continue to speed through the woods with the man of my dreams and have been waiting for, the breeze is soothingly hitting my face with the moon and stars witnessing the hilarity of two hearts singing. Despite, my uneven breath, heated skin and tiring legs I keep on sprinting through the woods, the trees passing through me. I hear him closing in, not ready for this to be over, I force my legs to speed up. In a distance, I see our cabin in sight. I was so focused on running I didn’t hear the nearing footsteps, with two arms circling around my waist. “No no no no” I chant laughing, feeling him laughing into my neck.

Once I have regained my breathing “your legs are longer than mine” I reason.

“Yeah admit I got you” he said, rather proudly.

“You did” I close my eyes rubbing my fingers against his arms.

Peace.

Peace is what I feel, peace of having someone like him coming into my life to show me how it is like to feel so strongly for someone and willingly wanting him to have all of me. To give him a chance, to give him a chance on this namelessly deep thing that I have with him, for only him. All the years of confusion, pain, searching and trying to move on life still led me to him. Peace is what I feel for accepting what my being feels for him, the deep-seated longing that I have for him has been satiated as we found our way back to each other. Peace of having my happy with him. Two bodies, two souls, two beating hearts, two minds becoming one. Rico. My light. My guiding light. My celestial light.

To Be Continued…

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Beauty, Blog

Is Beauty a Myth?

What is beauty? What does it mean? the quality of being pleasing, especially to look at, or someone or something that gives great pleasure, especially, when you look at it” – Cambridge Dictionary. “the quality or aggregate of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or pleasurably exalts the mind or spirit” – Merriam-Webstar. “a combination of qualities, such as shape, colour, or form, that pleases the aesthetic senses, especially the sight” – Oxford Dictionary. These definitions have different terminologies but the meaning is all the same; a vision that is attractive to self. So, is beauty subjective?…

Beauty standards have been changing and evolving since time, for decades. From 1900s till now there has been a constant conflict in how one should look: Thin vs. Thick. Curly hair vs. Straight hair. Light skin vs. Dark skin. Makeup vs. No makeup. Petite vs. Tall. Is there a such thing called beauty because as far as I can tell it’s a myth that is being pushed by the media and the society. Why do we hold beauty in such a high pedastal, why is it such a big deal?

From young, the agenda of looking ‘beautiful’ has been pushed in our faces from media, cultural backgrounds, entertainment to family, experiences can differ. There were times when I did conform, for instance wearing makeup when I was 15 years old because I thought that was the norm since everyone was doing it, but really I had no clue what I was doing since I would wear foundation shades lighter than my actual skin tone lol.. and then I eventually stopped wearing makeup altogether as the notion of it scared me (I know, I know I sound stupid) but there were times when, I would go stand in the counters and look at all these products, feeling lost not knowing where to start and it boggled my mind (I can’t help it, maybe one day I will get over that fear) and also, simply because I just prefer staying natural, the effort of wanting to look ‘good’ never appealed to me especially, if it is expected of me to do as it is normalised. It’s crazy to me how wanting to not wear makeup is a huge step for someone and something to celebrate.

What about those who have unusual or ‘unique’ features that does not fit the societal norms of the beauty standards? Are we considered less beautiful? I keep thinking about this. The perceptions of beauty… Are we supposed to fit in or stand out? There are many charactersitics people have that makes them stand out from the crowd and they are seen as undesirable, whether it is a skin condition, physical conditions/ disabilities, physical/ mental illnesses and the list goes on. Why do we seek to be validated in a society that does not respect diverse features and elements of our physical body? My lazy eye was a something I struggled to accept as it was not common nor was it seen as acceptable. I remember being told if I would ever get surgery done for my eye, and I said no… imagine being made fun of for having a trait that you had as a kid and you had no control over, to putting yourself down because of the reactions from other people to finally accepting it as your youth ended and adulthood has begun to wanting to remove it because it is abnormal? Never!

The term ‘flaws’ and ‘imperfections’ are so stigmatising. The idea of ones traits being considered as hindering their beauty makes me feel ickish. Why is it a flaw? Why do we think those features are flaws because it is not upto societal beauty standards?  All I’m saying is those two terms becomes a barrier in accepting ourselves wholly and how we perceive beauty. There should be no such thing as flaws or imperfections, you are the way you are, you are unique, you are magnificant. Those same traits that we see as burden are what makes us different, it is what makes us special and distinctive. Embrace them and accept them; it makes you, you and that makes you powerful my friend.

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Blog

Blessing In Disguise

Gloria: “If you like me why, are you pushing me away?”

Sebastian: “You’re too good for me.”

Gloria: “I know I’m good for you.”

Sebastian: “Then why do you still want me?”

Gloria: “Because you’re not a bad person. You can’t push away things that have come to you as a blessing – you embrace them. I know you felt something happening between us, I know I am not the only one who feels these emotions. You need good in your life, you deserve it.

There is going to be a moment in your life when a person is going to show you how to live your life, someone will come into your life and will enhance the person that you are. Someone is going to come into your life and show you what lies ahead, they will show you how to love and how to live freely without feeling pressurised in how you think you should be.

The way you are with me is something I have never had with a person. You make me feel alive, you make me want to be happy and to love. You have entered my life so unexpectedly, but I do not regret you nor what we have. You have come to my life as a blessing in disguise and you will forever remain a blessing in disguise to me.”

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Blog, Love, Story

Short Story

She could hear the waves crashing soothingly against the shore, making it sound like music in her ears, she could smell the beauty of the nature, of the earth tingling her nose. The refreshing smell of air coming through her windows. She had this sudden urge to get up and look out the window, look at the magical scenery.

Slowly, but surely she got out of her bed –  her muscles were not accustomed to movements, She felt as though, being alone was the only way to cope with her grief and sadness, She found it easier to cope with her grief, by pushing people away and isolating herself. It has been 15 years, since it had occurred, and yet, she has not forgotten every single moment of that day yet, what happened that day triggered her and became a barrier to her happiness and joy.

She was walking towards the window, with anticipation. She put her hands shakily on the edge of the windowsill, trying to calm her breathing down (exhaling, inhaling, exhaling, inhaling…..), she opened her sky blue eyes. Trying to catch her breath, however, failing to do so, she could feel her eyes becoming teary, the scenery in front of her was picture perfect. A stray tear fell from her eye, as she didn’t know how to react to the beauty that she was witnessing and the overwhelming emotions surfacing within her – the tension between her heart and mind becoming too much. The waves were still crashing softly and soothingly against the shore, the breeze was calm and was gently caressing her smooth deeply tanned skin. She could feel the tips of her full, plump lips turning upwards to a gentle smile. She looked upwards at the dark sky, feeling mesmerized at how beautiful and scenic the beauty before her was.

She whispered under her breath “how can something so beautiful, even exist in this cruel, dangerous world we live in.”

As she was looking up at the midnight black sky, she could see the stars twinkling, she felt as though she could see her Father and Mother who were scattered in various different places in the dark sky alongside, the other stars. She felt as though, they were there in her presence although, they were not here physically, they were here emotionally and mentally. As she was looking up at the stars, she felt as though the two bright twinkling stars were her Mother and Father, looking down at her proudly and happily, protecting her. The moon was shining brightly, lightly contrasting against the midnight black sky.

She could hear Knox calling her from the bedroom.

“How are you feeling, sweetheart?”

Morgan felt her heart skip a beat like it always does, whenever, Knox speaks to her. She still cannot fathom, why after all these years he still stayed and stuck around.

“It felt like, outside was calling me” Morgan replied with a slight smile.

Knox was looking at Morgan the way he always does with: love and pure affection. His dark brown, honeycomb eyes were taking in every inch of her face and body, although, they have been together for 3 years he still looked at her like the first time he seen her, with pure admiration and wonder. He still couldn’t fathom how wonderfully, beautiful she was.

Morgan was a fragile and a young hearted woman although she was strong minded, she was very compassionate and likable, Her eyes had that raw uniqueness, how at certain moments and certain times, her eyes would change shade lighter when the sunlights hits, the irises in her eyes would twinkle every time she smiles or laughs.

Knox walked towards Morgan admiring the two breathtaking views in front of him. Knox softly says “Today is the day Morg, how are you feeling love?”
Morgan replied “I don’t know Knox. But, I am feeling happy. I mean, in this day I was never feeling happy or calm, just distressed and mourn for my Father and Mother to come back. But, today feels different, I can’t explain but, I feel like I have finally accepted the fact that my Father and Mother have left me, when I was 7 years old and are looking up at me from heaven, still protecting me and guiding me to be the best version of myself.”

The amount of joy Knox and Morgan were feeling, were unexplainable, indescribable even if they were happy for different reasons they were ecstatic. Morgan was feeling happy for, she finally found her inner-peace, the acceptance of her Father and Mother’s death, she felt like she can finally move on from what happened 15 years ago. Yes, she was happy with Knox, she was more than happy with him, however, there was still a part of her heart, that was still at her home, the home where she had both her parents – her family.

Where from that day, her life had changed completely upside down, how everything escalated so quickly, that the situation was uncontrollable, she couldn’t grasp what had happened 15 years ago. How her Father and Mother were held at gunpoint and seeing them die in front of her, was all that scarred and destroyed an innocent 7 year old.

Till this day: their death anniversary, she could picture the scene from the back of her head. Coming from a carnival, a beautiful, happy family who had no idea what was going to occur……. BANG BANG BANG! they disappeared. Morgan can still remember, how her Father and Mother were bathing in their own blood. How an innocent young girl watched the universe take everything of hers in a span of a minute. How she felt so confused and so lost. How footsteps surrounded her, people from the neighborhood rushing in to see the chaos, pushing and shoving to see what had happened. Everything happened so rapidly, the whirlwind of emotions that she went through, that consumed her. Scarring her, hurting her, taking her purity and taking away the perspective of the world that she had.  The police sirens blaring loudly almost deafening the silence the she surrounded herself with as she was in denial, in shock. She didn’t know what to do, she didn’t know whether to scream till her throat ran dry and till her lungs constricted begging for air or whether to cry. She didn’t know whether to laugh since the world was playing a sick joke on her, She didn’t know whether to stay rooted at her spot or to run away from the madness. She just didn’t know…

After 15 years, she let go……

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Blog, Love

Is There A Right Time For Love?

This question can go out of context. This is the type of question where people may agree or disagree. A question that people can think with an open mind or with a closed mind.

I personally don’t think that love has a perfect moment or perfect time. You can’t really control love or know when love is going to come to you. Majority of the time, when love comes it is unexpected. It can come to you when you are at your lowest points or when you are at your highest points. Sometimes, it comes when you weren’t thinking of being in a relationship or even thinking about feeling that type of emotion for someone.

Is there a right time for love to come? There is not a certain time where love comes, it doesn’t come when you are looking for it, it just happens Metaphorically, you can’t run away from love, you can deny it, but if you are feeling constant emotions that comes whenever you are with that person, you will not be able to deny it, there’s just so much you can do until you have got to accept it. You can say ‘No! I don’t want love, I don’t want it. I don’t want to feel that. I’m not ready for it, I’m not ready to settle down. Don’t give it to me now, it is not the right time for me okay!’ You think loves going to listen to you? No okay, love won’t listen to you, it will do whatever the hell it wants and it will give you that person (that person can either be a curse or a blessing).

It’s like destiny or faith (I believe in that). Everything happens for a reason right? Yeah, what if you were supposed to meet that person? What if there was an actual reason as to why you crossed path with them?

People, for instance, a guy would say ‘I met her at the wrong time, it wasn’t the right time, the timing was all wrong’. But, how do you know when it’s the right time? Usually, when you are looking for love or searching for love it doesn’t come your way and the person that may come can be the wrong person for you. You can’t force love to happen, you can’t force attraction nor can you force feelings. If you are saying that you are waiting for the ‘right time’ then it may never be the right time because you will never be ready. You are not supposed to be prepared for love neither should you look for love.

When love comes it is going to be a complete surprise, completely unexpected. It is going to hit you like a ton of bricks and that is what makes it beautiful. Although, you didn’t plan it or look for the person, the person came and they were right for you. It just depends on whether you are going to take a chance. It’s a choice whether you want to be with the person. There isn’t really a right time or a right moment. There’s never a perfect time, it’s up to you as perfect time is only a perfect time when you create it.

Everyone thinks they know what they want, or what they are doing. Everyone wants to have control of their life, their feelings and who comes into their lives but you can’t.

Don’t be afraid if you think that it’s not the right time, go for it and make mistakes, take risks and make sacrifices. At the end, it will be very unexpected and it may be worth it..

You have everything given to you, it just depends on whether you will take advantage of it and whether you will make the most out of it.

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