My throat filled with fluid, reaching down my body. Keeping me down, leaving me fighting to get to the shore. In futile. Left paralysed, as my body is submerged under water. My body smothered with water, immersing deeply into the well of hollowness with no way to flee. “No. Help” I hear myself scream. The bleak darkness drowning, flooding me into a sinking void. “Please. Stop it” I hoarsely whisper, spiralling in and out of consciousness, trying to escape. My closed eyes swarming with bright light, leaving me momentarily hazed. My body tightening, seizing as I have become delirious. Feeling uncontrollable as my chest constricts with my throat compressed into knots unable to bring in oxygen. “Stop. Stop” I inwardly whisper, needing to leave this hellish trance. Beams of intense luminosity emerging in my vision. Glowing, brown eyes alighting, their breath exhaling. Yielding my body to arch, the heaviness of my chest relinquishing in sync with their breathing. Immersing me into calmness, oxygen coming back to me as my throat clears. The illuminating, brown eyes rising, providing tranquillity. Serenity washes over me as the feminine voice lulls “breathe” in a hushed murmur. “Breathe” the soft voice repeats again. My eye flashing open, unblinkingly staring at the naked walls, sweat gathering around my forehead and body. With a fast-beating heart and heavy breathing, I get out of bed and into the bathroom. Splashing water on my face, washing away the last remnants of the nightmare.
Anxiousness simmering inside my body, adrenaline bursting through my veins as I walk to my makeshift painting area. The blank canvas mimicking the end of the dream, creating the image that surfaced in my dream. Itching with dire need to be released and created. The dark sky, transforming into early morning with birds chirping. Not with the times and hours, as I sunk myself into running away from the hallucinating illusion. Turning the heaviness that is left in my body into a state of peace. Finishing the touches of the latest painting I have curated. With the rest of my paintings already in the gallery I am prepared for the exhibition. As I brush the last stroke, I step back exhaling at the wonder that my eyes lay on. As I let it sit for two hours, I begin to shower and get ready to convince the head curator to put this forward with the rest of the art.
Taking an uber to the gallery, my mind lingers on the stranger women I had the seconds with, lightly hoping I will bump into her again. Somehow not being able to forget. Walking with intention as I have reached the entrance, I see Miguel dressed in colourful clothing, an open chested red shirt, black artisan blazer and trousers with unique designs. Miguel was a European Spanish man whom I have met in New York art exhibition in my art gallery. Within seconds we hit it off, talking about the arts culture, our favourite artists and collections. Since then we have stayed in contact with each other and maintained a friendship relation.
He greets me with enthusiastic arm movements as soon as he sees me, eyeing the black bag in my hand. “I need this piece to be included in the exhibition” I demand bluntly. Miguel stares at me, piercing me with emotionless eyes that wants to tell me off for a cold welcome. But he needs to know my seriousness when I don’t have time to play nice. He signals for me to follow him, heading to his office upstairs. Once we have reached, he closed the door behind me, I lay the bag on the empty table, unravelling the painting for Miguel’s eyes. He stands beside me, taking in a sharp breath, without saying another word he turns towards me “is this who I think it is” he questions. Knowing what his underlying words mean “yes” I utter, “this needs to be in the exhibition, it completes the collection perfectly” I continue. With Miguel in deep thought, I shake away the jitters that comes with being patient, suddenly sighing in admission he says “okay, we can make adjustments. She must be beautiful, for you to be bothered like this” he jokes, but his eyes reflecting respect. Miguel was a person who embraced vulnerability, he never let the ego drive him into making his decisions, he enjoyed being in companies that think alike and who are not crippled by their ego, their identity and not being afraid of humanly feelings and desires. So, with him knowing who this was and me wanting to show this painting in public, he valued me and even more so, this friendship because of it.
Taking the painting in his hand, we go downstairs to the floor of the exhibition, placing it in the focal point of the collection, the centre wall. “Do you oppose” he prompts with one raised eyebrow.
“No, absolutely not” I affirm, feeling accomplished knowing the last art had finalised the collection.
Going back to my hotel suite, I make a start to get ready with spending the whole of afternoon in the gallery, preparing and organising the event, time flew by me. With Miguel picking me up for the evening, I pour myself a drink to remove the apprehensiveness that are rising.
Walking into the gallery, bustling with people and photographers. Grabbing champagne in the entryway, studying those who are looking at the art. The best part about being an artist and establishing your painting in art galleries is the anonymity from publicity. With painters, artists, art investors recognising you due to the close-knit community we have formed for ourselves. Diving right in as I start to talk leisurely with interested customers, negotiating prices with their likened art, positive feelings of success surging as one art had been sold. Long black hair in my peripheral vision convincing myself that it is not real and only imaginations that exist from my dream. Informing the staff that this painting has been sold, they begin to discuss buying the art with the costumers. The long-haired stranger stopping at the latest painting, moving closer and deeply analysing it. With my focus strained, I begin to watch her, her form, her skin and the stunning dress pulling me to her place. Instinctively, my feet walk towards her, eyeing the way she moves closer to the painting. Stopping just behind her inhaling a waft of her flowery, vanilla scent “No, it can’t be” I internally whisper to myself. Out of all places. She is here, knowing she felt my presence I move backwards only for her to turn around and bump into me.
Helping to balance her, I place my hand on her lower back. Silky smooth skin burning my fingers alive. Her scent engulfing me, her wide eyes blinking back at me in recognition and in shock. “We need to stop meeting like this” I mutter light-heartedly with a grin, simmering the feelings wanting to surface. “My name is Ezra” I prompt, waiting for her to speak.
She pushes back to maintain distance, “My name is Luna” she begins “you need to stop appearing where I can’t see you” she says. She studies me curiously. Looking at the person who inspired my painting, her alluring, mesmerising eyes, opening her mouth in futile as her words become unspoken.
“This painting was inspired by you” I mumble, “from the last time I saw you to now, I was not able to forget you. You came up in my dreams and you are what I painted. I want you.” I utter in hushed tone.
(Another part. Couldn’t help myself. Writing this got me excited of the prospects. I’m proud of the characters that are coming alive. Writings from a current story. Thank you for reading 😀 ).
Connections happen slowly, sinking within every inch of your soul.
Connections happen in an instant, sparks shooting through your veins.
Staying in your mind, leaving you guessing how and why you’ve met them.
Wanting more of their presence.
What do I get with you entering my life the way you did?
Is this destiny? Is this fate? Is this circumstantial? Was it created by coincidences?
Was it to learn? Was it to heal?
The cosmos aligning two souls, meeting each other for the first time, however it maybe.
The living being, enveloping you into a world where it is just you and him. No judgement, where happiness lives within us. His body providing you with warmth, security, and comfort. His skin against your skin electrifying the air surrounding you, your body feeling alive.
How they can leave with a blink of an eye.
The small moments that you lived with him, you rewind in your mind like a broken record. Holding onto him because you know there is no-one like him.
How it never matters for the distance for, your soul and his soul are intertwined together. You feel him around you, his presence consuming you, your heart longing for him.
Catching yourself daydreaming, wondering how his day is going, is he okay? What is he doing at this moment? Hoping he is safe and well, wanting to experience living in his world just once.
Wondering if he is doing the same too….
(This is a segment part of a creative writing I am currently doing. Had the urge to share it. Much Love, Konijja)
With emotions overpowering my senses, my eyes begin to water. I close my eyes, but one slips out anyways; tears creating waterfall. “I missed you so much. It hurt Rico. Don’t tell me to wait for you again, I can’t stand the distance.” He cups my face, stroking his thumbs across my cheeks wiping the tears being so close to him, leaves me breathless and lightheaded. He embarks a journey around my face, lips starts on my forehead, to my eyelids, cheeks and nose lastly, my lips. My lips dissolves into his, sensation shooting down into my womb, kissing both my upper lip and bottom lip with a bite, pulling at it with his teeth then sucking it to soothe the pain. “I won’t” he replies. “I won’t.” His fingers linger around the lace, that keeps my dress in place, impatient and wanton “open it”, didn’t even finish the words uttered as I feel chilliness clinching onto my skin and the material falling onto the floor.
He wraps his arm around me whilst the other cups my bottom. Lifting me up instinctively wrapping my legs around his waist as if it was so natural, as if we participated in this act countless times. Carrying the both of us to the middle of the bed, laying me on my back and him on top of me, feeling every inch of his body as our eyes connect in a silent conversation of need, with our chests pressing against each other and our legs intertwined with each other. The moonlight giving a flicker of light, luminescing against his hard features, illuminating his dark complexion. Feeling high with just being in his energy. My God have I missed him and was this better than my wildest dreams. He reaches over me to switch on the lamp brightening the room, providing us with a tinge of light.
“Kiss me Rico, I want you to touch me. I want all of you.”
“So demanding” he chuckles. “What makes you think you won’t have all of me, I am going to be so deeply buried inside of you, you’re going to feel me with every step you take” he whispers with a crooked smile. I suck in a sharp breath as his words sinks in relieving a moan, feeling pleasure rushing through me.
Tilting his head, he softly presses his full lips against my pouty ones. His hands tangling into my hair as he brings me closer to him. He lets out a groan as our lips meld into each other, with his tongue sliding into mine in a dancing twist, tasting me and sucking me unabashedly. I slide my hands to his head, digging my fingers to his scalp as I let out a whimper at the unfurling intensity of our intimacy. He drifts down my neck sucking and nipping, travelling further down my body to my breasts clad cream coloured lacy bra. Hearing his breath becoming laboured and him reaching to palm my ample breasts had my nipples digging into the fabric, letting out an agonised moan as he fingers my nipples that puckered at his attention. Reaching behind my back to unclasp my bra, successfully they release from their cage. Wanting. Wanting his attention. “Rico” I shamelessly moan, he returns it with his own blatant groan, biting his bottom lip, eying them with darkening gaze “fucking God, you’re going to kill me”. His kneading turns into squeezing, tugging on the nipple with a pinch, the pain-pleasure shoots straight between my legs, feeling heavy with need. His fingers were replaced with his lips as they clasp around a puckered nipple as he continues palming the other breast. I arch my breast towards his mouth like an offering; the imaginations being incomparable to reality. He returns the same attention to my other breast, sucking and tugging on my nipple with his teeth and soothing the pain with his mouth.
As he descends down my body, he mutters quietly to me, showering me with compliments and all the possibilities ahead. It was always his words, his unwavering attention towards me, his glances that made me truly feel beautiful and no one else held the torch, how could they when he was always the one that I wanted and desired. With him being here, worshipping my body, whispering words and touching me so delicately, a fire burns inside of me just for him, the suppressed need for only him needing to be unleashed. As he kisses down my stomach, towards my pelvis, feeling headiness as his lips brush against my inner thigh. So close. A tinge of nervousness hits me as I am reminded of my inexperience and my lack of intimacy. “Kalina” he groans, knowing that he’s waiting for my permission, the apprehensiveness lulls as my own pleasure for him speaks loudly “please, I want you to do it.” He removes my panties and throws them on the floor, leaving me completely bare and vulnerable. I would have felt embarrassed if it wasn’t the way he was looking at me; entirely in awe.
He presses open my legs wider, wedging himself between them as he throws one leg over his shoulder. “Such a beautiful pussy” he softly murmurs as his fingers stretch the opening, sliding his finger over the moisture, bringing it to the clitoris and sliding it down. Flexing his thumb, pressing and rubbing the clit in circles making me lose my mind. He inserts a finger inside, whilst sinking his face between my legs, licking the juices and lapping at it feverishly. My breasts feel heavy with laboured breathing and teary eyes accompanied the waves that are crashing within me, consumed with all the ways Rico is devouring my body. “Rico, please” as if there was a telepathic exchange of words, he adds another digit of his long and sleek finger. Wrapping my legs around his neck, arching my back as he thrust his fingers in a perfect symphony, lapping and sending wild vibrations against my clit, reaching up to squeeze my breast, whilst curling his fingers inside of me left me so close, and I told him so. As he continued thrusting inside of me. Going deeper and harder with each thrust and each flick of his tongue, applying pressure against my clit, my body convulsed, flooding with emotions and sensations, lost in the oceans of desire and intense high.
As I ride out my orgasm, Rico climbs on top of me crashing his lips down on mine, I moan as I taste my orgasm, sucking on his tongue with a clash of teeth. “Rico” I utter as he sucks on my neck being so lost in all of him. “Baby are you ready”, I knew what he was implying, and I wanted it. It didn’t scare me when he was all I trusted in that moment, I knew he would never hurt me, I knew that my body only seeks him and I knew after all this pain and waiting, it was going to be worth it. It is not about the sex, it never was, not with him. It was always about the intimacy, needing his soul as much as I wanted his body, needing to be close to him through our intimacy, needing him to know how I feel for him and for me to know how he feels for me. I was on the pill and I told him so, and as our eyes connected and our breath mingled with each other, I said “yes”. With him removing his last few pieces of clothing, and coming back to me, he lowers his body down, pulling my thighs wider.
He enters me slowly, analysing my reaction as he goes deeper. My eye squint and my lips roll as I adjust to his size, feeling so full and the agonising pain turning into pleasure as he slowly fills me. “Say something”, “I’m okay, I want you to go all in Rico”, “I don’t want to hurt you”, “but I want all of you.” He pushes back his body to take full control of the penetration, going deeper until I feel him in my womb, feeling so full, as he drives into me till the hilt. Gripping the bedsheets as he slowly drives in until we are completely connected. “I’m okay” I answer to his wondering gaze. My chest gets tight, something is intensifying within me as he begins to gently move inside of me, so slick and wet for him as he begins to move. “Rico more, please” I whimper “what do you want, baby,” “I want you to make me lose my mind.”
With that, Rico grips my hips, slamming into me, slick heat grips onto him. “Fuck, your pussy so tight. So wet for me.” “Rico, please.” He slams into me, impaling me with every thrust going deeper and harder, he reaches over my body to my breast pinching at the nipple shooting straight to my clit. Chanting his name like a prayer as he keeps driving into me, slamming into my pussy knowing I truly won’t be able to walk. Feeling every inch of his glorious dick moving in slick and precise motions, pistoling inside me, meeting his every thrust with mine, feeling my orgasm building up and I told him so. He reaches down to kiss me, crashing his lips and I return it with the same eagerness, gripping his shoulders tight, running my hands through every inch of skin I can find as he speeds up the pace, knowing what is coming I wrap my legs around his waist, holding onto him tight. Closing my eyes as my desire heightens, clamping on his dick, feeling my body tightening around his. “Let go, baby” I call out his name in a gasp, my body writhing underneath him, falling apart in his arms as he buries his face in my neck, kissing the space at the side of my neck as he comes apart in my arms. Riding our release, running my hands through his back and him littering my face with kisses. “I missed you Rico,” “you’re mine, Kalina.”
“Don’t make me wait anymore Rico” “I promise, I’ll be here.” As he lifts himself up, I stop him wanting to be connected with each other, wanting him to stay inside me. As we lay on the bed, with me laying on his chest, sated and relaxed. Feeling his heart drumming loud against his chest and him running his fingers through my black strands, both sleek with sweat I feel content and more connected with him than ever. After everything we have been through individually, to come together and find our peace and happiness with each other, it makes every struggle and distance worth it to be one with Rico.
Walking through the woods, the trees swaying, the silence comforting and sound, hearing nothing but my footsteps. The breeze softly caressing my skin forming a small smile at the wonder that surrounds me, the serenity of nature surrounding me. I saw it, the opening of a mystified lake, sticks and stones scattered. The trees creating an alluring and picturesque scene, almost as if protecting their sanctuary, their safe place, their home; so hidden.
Calm and gentle waves flowing with soothing wind, the sound of the enchanting waterfall flowing powerfully yet feels tranquil and cathartic.
As I sit down near the water, I look up at the sky displaying the full moon, sprinkled with stars giving me peace, thinking this is it, this is my safe haven, my home. The breeze of the wind softly moving through my skin almost like gentle touches. Bringing my knees to my chest, I close my eyes. I see him, his wide smile revealing dimples on both cheeks one deeper than the other one, eyes twinkling “so beautiful” I thought.
Every time he was in my presence made me feel so safe and warm, so intense, butterflies swarming in my stomach needing to escape. Breathless. Ooohhh the little little ways he would protect me, not that I needed any, but it made me feel unknown feelings, feelings I couldn’t decipher. “Don’t do that” he would say when someone was laughing at me, “he shouldn’t have done that” he whispered, when a teacher was making fun of me. I could have sworn I saw him waiting for me after the day ended to go home. What an odd person, I said to myself. One whom makes you feel so safe, will protect or defend you over small things without thinking, and who brings out foreign emotions out of you and showers you with compliments: “you’re funny” “what do you mean?” scrunching my face “You’re you, I like it” still treasure those words till this day. But he would not talk to you, rather stay away from you then say something. How interesting.
I lay down beneath the grass taking in the night sky. My mind goes back to the last day, this is probably the last time I will see him, I dejected. There was no talking there was a boatload of unsaid things, there was pain for someone I could not grasp. He would not have liked me anyways, I’d reason, he didn’t say anything, what could I have done? He’ll be the one that got away, I know it. I remember that day, when he left, me running to the corridor to look out the window (yes, I freaking ran), gazing at him for the very last time, so pathetic and stupid, I chastised. Maybe I should have said something, it didn’t matter if he didn’t like me, nor did it matter if he didn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll get it. I would tell myself. It doesn’t matter now, he left and I am here with feelings I don’t know how to handle nor understand and things to say that may never be spoken aloud. It is okay. I will be okay, I convince myself, subconsciously knowing I was deluding myself. Something within me shifted, he did something to me, he moved me in such a way that is foregone, that will be hard to get past. Something heavy furled within my chest as he disappeared out of my view.
I hear rustling from a distance, the trees moving in motion, swaying rhythmically with the wind. I have been disturbed, someone is distracting me from my daydream. I begin to sit up and turn around being aware of my surroundings and alert knowing that anything can happen in the woods considering it is dark and I am alone. My eyes begin to adjust, squinting and continuing to wait. There is more movement, appearing to almost be like a figure seems as if they are heading towards this direction, towards me. As they walk out the shadows of the trees. I see him, I see Rico appearing, what a light, I joked. The moment he appears from the trees and sees me, he smiles brightly, gazing at me so intently, so intense almost as if looking into and through my soul.
“Hi” I exclaim, smiling,
“Rico” I say after a few beats
He sat down next to me, leaving no room between us. He looks around, perhaps thinking of something. Suddenly, he lifts me up by the hips and bridges me between his legs. “You should’ve just asked Rico” I laugh. He answers back with a deep chuckle, left dimple popping out. I lean my head back to his chest, grabbing both his arms and interlocking them around my stomach intertwining our hands together, sparks shooting through my body. I look down seeing our hands connected. I study both our hands, taking my fingers out of his fingers then in, repeating the motion couple of times, kissed his right hand in silent appreciation. My hands look so small wrapped around his hands, I wondered. But, they fit so perfectly. I let my eyes close, leaning back into his chest again, sinking into him and finding a comfortable position, taking in his presence. Something I never had once. There’s silence, not awkward silence but comfortable silence. Taking in our surroundings, embracing the feeling of being close to each other. Reflecting back on the imagination I had, appreciating his mere being, and feeling grateful that he is back in my life.
“I missed you” I whispered.
“I missed you” he replied. Burying his face in my hair, inhaling a deep breathe, pushing me into him as deep as he can. I have the urge to talk about it.
“Rico” I say quietly.
“Before you came. I, I was thinking about the past. The hurt, the things that occurred to led up to this, but also the way I felt for you and still do.” I still for a moment, thinking of how to go around what I want to say next. Apprehensive for his reaction, I never knew how he will react, he was always full of surprises; I didn’t know he liked me until 3 years later. I ponder, if I didn’t confess would I have ever known. Would life have taken me towards this direction, the path with him in my life?
“From the moment I saw you to the moment I last saw you, so much had happened not physically but emotionally and mentally. There was so much unsaid things between us, the misunderstandings, the lack of communication and then this deep connection that sometimes made me feel like it’s bigger than me, then distance grew, and we parted ways. There was no name nor a way to word it. How was I to explain what I felt for you? There was pain before there was joy; there was distance, separation before unity, oneness and emotional shifts before any physical connection.
When I think about everything that occurred the past years in hindsight, it’s so crazy. Why did everything unfold the way it did. Is it to realise the depth, and intensity of this cosmic force I have for you and possibly you for me? Was we to seperate to realise that no matter how far we run, or how scared I am of the effect you have on me, you’ll always be here and it’ll come back to remind me that I can’t run away from you and this is how I truly feel? Because that is what happened until I realised that I couldn’t avoid my thoughts and feelings for you and I had to confront them.”
There was silence. A long silence left me feeling anticipated. Rico shifts his body to see my face, he studies my face heatedly for few moments. I study his face, his eyes, searching for answers and finding a cue to continue. I do as I gain the confidence to carry on.
“Then I think about the year that you were in my life, that year was the worst that I had in life. I wouldn’t even acknowledge that year if it wasn’t for you in it.” I say, laughingly attempting to shake off the unwarranted nervousness.
“I had unresolved issues, and they seemingly began to creep up again, it was impossible burying them in a subconscious box again. Thinking about life so negatively, not knowing life’s worth, not knowing the essence living had or the privilege it was to simply breathe. It left me quite depressed” I reluctantly admit, even to myself.
“I hurt you, I know it. I said and did things that caused you pain. I apologised. But it never feels enough. I did not want to speak about me until we saw each other, if we were ever going to see each other. I have questions that need answers. You did things too Rico. If you didn’t want me to be near you, you should have told me. You didn’t have to make people you knew at that time do it for you. That hurt, a lot. You got other people involved and they thought it was okay to do it. I wished you said something, when I spoke to you and you didn’t want me to. There were moments when you wouldn’t even look at me whenever I spoke to you, that hurt too. Was I so bad and unattractive that you couldn’t look at my face? You would run away whenever I got close. You seemed so disinterested. That was when I believed and convinced myself that you didn’t like me, you couldn’t. So, I stayed away from you including, your acts of chivalry. I couldn’t entertain it, Rico. It meant something, they signified something. When I declined them, I saw pain Rico. I saw it. When I mentioned it, you stared at me then you walked away. How did you think that made me feel? Why did you do it?” My voice breaking towards the end.
Uttering them words weren’t easy. The hurt associated with those words was torturous. So deeply embedded within, there was a sharp sting in the heart, needing an itch to take it away. I never glanced at him when speaking them aloud. I carried on staring forward at the water, afraid of seeing what emotions was coming out of his eyes. My lips began trembling. Not being able to control the wave of emotions surfacing that I was able to control when talking. Tears were welling around my eyes, knowing what was coming I look down. They flow with earnest. They flow. “Damn it” I whisper, frustrated that I can’t keep my emotions in check.
I was too in deep within my own thoughts to be aware of what was going on around me, that I didn’t see hands appearing to cup my cheeks. Forcing me to look up. When I knew what he wanted, I forced my eyes shut, not ready to see what was in front of me.
“Open your eyes Koni” he croaked.
His hands caress my cheeks, wiping the tears away. He brings his forehead to mine. Not saying anything.
Inhaling sharply almost, as if struggling to let out words.
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”
I’m not finished. I told him so. Bringing his hands onto my lap, intertwining them tightly. “I need to finish what I have to say, I don’t want to hurt you, I know you never meant it.” Putting my hand on top of his, I stroke his hand with my thumb, more for my comfort than his. “I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry Rico. Saying those words never feels enough to remove years of pain.” I whispered. If only there was a way to remove the years of pain, I would do it. I just hope the years ahead surpass and heal the past four years of suffering.
“Despite, the hurt that we inflicted towards each other. In that period of life and even now, you were the only good thing that happened. I can’t regret meeting you because you were something, I looked forward to seeing. Every day I would wake up excited knowing that I was going to see you. We didn’t have to talk, just being in your presence, in your space was enough for me. It made me feel happy, to see your face look out the door every time I entered the room, it made me happy. It made me feel okay even if it was just for a couple of moments. The small moments of being in your proximity, the little conversations that we would have was the only thing I wanted in my head for days. Even after we went separate ways, you continued to be my light, the only thing that made me feel safe for the last four years. You protected me just by thought, by feeling. My light. I missed you, I missed you alot. Even with distance, when I was growing and moving on in life, the only place life wasn’t moving on from was with you and I never understood why.”
Needing to feel closer to him, I move not looking at his face but finding comfort that he is still here. I shuffle myself towards him, finding his shoulders to hold onto while straddling him. Wrapping my legs around his waist hoisting myself up to be in level with his face, bringing my face close to his until we were a breath away. This newfound courage making me feel brave, I put my hands behind his neck bringing it close until our nose are touching. Not having the intention of our mouth connecting together, but just having the want of being in his energy. Needing him to know how much he means to me, the significance of my words that are for only him means to me, that being vulnerable isn’t easy for I never was vulnerable for anyone. I didn’t need to be because he was the first of many things for me including intimacy and romanticism. He did not just come into my life, but he left his imprint, he left his presence inside my soul and the longing never stopped. Not for one moment. Rather, intensified and the intensity of those feelings was something I never knew how to handle. It is something I have just begun to welcome.
If only he knew I never wanted to hurt him. I want his happiness and for him to open himself up to infinite peace. Even if we never were to be together or see each other again, I knew he was always going to be connected to me somehow, someway. The very thought does not scare me, not anymore. My Rico. My beacon of light. His light kept on shining even after we parted ways. His being, his existence was what kept me protected even without his physical spirit. Just the very thought of him and keeping him alive within, during times of struggles; in times of hardships gave me solace, alleviation.
There’s peace and clarity in the finality of speaking those words, especially saying it to him.
The hands that were placed in his jawline, begin their journey around his face. Starting at his forehead, moving to his eyes, such kind eyes. The way he would look at me with those eyes like he is looking deep into my soul, those eyes gazing at me with acceptance, no judgements. I missed them. My fingers travel caressing underneath his eyes. His eyes close at that one, a small smile bounces around my lips relishing that I can do that to him. I move a finger down his nose, then stroke his cheeks I stay there for a brief moment, wondering how he came back to me. My Rico. Shifting my fingers to his lips, running my fingers around them. These lips. The generosity of God’s work is prominent but it’s not that, it’s the smile. So wide and wholesome, gives me so much bliss. My favourite is when I bring a smile out of him when I do or say things in moments of dorkiness. It has given me so much pleasure and joy knowing I can do that to him. I didn’t even need to force the way I was around him; it came out naturally. The best part.
The more I stare at his mouth the more I feel the need for oneness. Without thinking, I move my pointy finger inside his mouth. Rico opens his lips in open invitation. My eyes goes to his eyes and he keeps me there, frozen. Feeling his tongue wetting the pad of my finger, sucking the tip sending shockwaves of pleasure through me, envisioning those lips in hidden parts of my body gets me heated. I add my middle finger and he treats it the same way, biting the pad of my fingers. So hot. I take my fingers out of his mouth, needing to taste us together, I put them inside my mouth, licking it clean. Savouring the way we taste as it sends another rush of arousal to the lower part of my body.
“Fucking hell, Koni. What are you doing to me?” He utters, fingers digging into my hips, bringing his face close to mine.
I place my hands against his chest, feeling his heart beating fast knowing that my heart is moving in the same rhythm. His hands cup my head, running his fingers through my hair. My eyes involuntarily close as the tension between us grows, moving me so powerfully leaving me breathless. Overcome with the need for a taste I wanted him to kiss me and I told him so. With his mouth hovering over mine, the anticipation was torturous, needing to know how it’ll be like to have our lips connect so intimately with imaginations the only thing I am running with. “Say it again, baby. I’m not going to hold back.” “I want you to kiss me, please I need you” I plea, wanting, waiting.
Pulling me close, our lips touch, stars are what I see, fireworks are what I feel. Taking my mouth in a slow caress, touching me so delicately as if testing the waters, with a gentle tug, I tilt my head, giving him permission to take control, for him to dominate. Giving him my trust and exposing my vulnerabilities. Taking my mouth into his so deeply our lips fuse together. Moaning into his mouth, his tongue sweetly invading my mouth, not holding back as he feels every corner of my mouth. His kiss was so exhilarating, so drugging leaving me restless and needing more. Gripping his shirt in fists, I return his kiss just as deep. sweeping my tongue through his teeth, biting his bottom lip, sucking it, revelling in the way his mouth and body feels against me. Our tongue seeking each other, going deeper and harder, teeth clashing with our tongues in a twist. Is this how it’s like to be kissed? For someone to want you just as badly as you want them. To refuse every other guy to have him in this moment, to wait for him. Worth it. My hands search for skin to skin contact, needing to be closer to him, I shift under his shirt groaning into his lips at the feel of his skin, so smooth and soft, brushing my hands against his abs. His hands reach down my back to my ass, squeezing it, pulling me so I hover above his erection. The contact so agonisingly intense, I grind against him. Without breaking the kiss, he takes me to lay me down in the grass with his body towering over me. Enjoying the thrill of his body being over mine rather, than being scared of the closeness. Safe.
We stay like that, exploring each other’s mouth. Catching up on missing moments. His hands start moving to different places of my body, getting restless. “I missed you” I whisper against his lips, my lips quivering. Overtaken with emotions. His face dips to my neck, nipping and sucking at my neck, I open my legs wide for him to nestle between them, wanting his body on top of mine. His hands travel underneath the hem of my dress, momentarily halting. Knowing what he wants “I want you to do it. Please.” My eyes close overcome with heightening pleasure, as his hands resume back to manoeuvring up my waist, to my stomach moving his fingers up, squirting around my bra. Internally applauding myself for the easy access. I press my breasts against his chest needing some form of friction with our bodies. He brings his face above mine, looking at me directly into my eyes. Our breath mingling with each other. “You mean something to me, and I don’t get it. No matter how much I would fight you never went away. You were always there, in my mind.”
I look into his eyes. “I want you to get off of me, Rico” I utter, gently. He watches me with confusion, his eyes searching my face. “I want you to get off of me, baby” I start again. He did so, still having the face of puzzlement and looking quite aloof. Probably wondering what had changed between now and then. Still maintaining eye contact, I slowly get up, smiling and then walk backwards fixating on his face. “I want you to chase me” I say to his unspoken question. “Say that again” he responds, knowing that he heard me the first time. “I want you to chase me, for you to get up and get me.” Something light appeared in his eyes, silent laughter dancing around his eyes, finally understanding my underlying words. “Koni, make sure you know what you’re asking for because I will chase you and when I do get you, I won’t let you go.” My heart skips a beat accompanied with butterflies, treasuring those words. “Come on then, come and get me. I’m not scared of you” I laughed. With that, I turn and spring towards the woods to the cabin not looking back at him, the rapid footsteps behind me indicates that he indeed is running after me. I look back, smiling seeing that he is returning the same smile. I press my legs to go faster not wanting him to catch up, not yet. I keep on running overwhelmed with adrenaline, feeling so free and whole. Pain changing into something akin to happiness, content.
The beautiful man that is running after me is finally here in my presence, in my life. The man that my body and soul seeks for is here, in my life. My Rico. As I continue to speed through the woods with the man of my dreams and have been waiting for, the breeze is soothingly hitting my face with the moon and stars witnessing the hilarity of two hearts singing. Despite, my uneven breath, heated skin and tiring legs I keep on sprinting through the woods, the trees passing through me. I hear him closing in, not ready for this to be over, I force my legs to speed up. In a distance, I see our cabin in sight. I was so focused on running I didn’t hear the nearing footsteps, with two arms circling around my waist. “No no no no” I chant laughing, feeling him laughing into my neck.
Once I have regained my breathing “your legs are longer than mine” I reason.
“Yeah admit I got you” he said, rather proudly.
“You did” I close my eyes rubbing my fingers against his arms.
Peace is what I feel, peace of having someone like him coming into my life to show me how it is like to feel so strongly for someone and willingly wanting him to have all of me. To give him a chance, to give him a chance on this namelessly deep thing that I have with him, for only him. All the years of confusion, pain, searching and trying to move on life still led me to him. Peace is what I feel for accepting what my being feels for him, the deep-seated longing that I have for him has been satiated as we found our way back to each other. Peace of having my happy with him. Two bodies, two souls, two beating hearts, two minds becoming one. Rico. My light. My guiding light. My celestial light.
To Be Continued…