Creative Writing, poetry

Connections

Connections happen slowly, sinking within every inch of your soul.

Connections happen in an instant, sparks shooting through your veins.

Staying in your mind, leaving you guessing how and why you’ve met them.

Wanting more of their presence.

What do I get with you entering my life the way you did?

Is this destiny? Is this fate? Is this circumstantial? Was it created by coincidences?

Was it to learn? Was it to heal?

The cosmos aligning two souls, meeting each other for the first time, however it maybe.

The living being, enveloping you into a world where it is just you and him. No judgement, where happiness lives within us. His body providing you with warmth, security, and comfort. His skin against your skin electrifying the air surrounding you, your body feeling alive.

How they can leave with a blink of an eye.

The small moments that you lived with him, you rewind in your mind like a broken record. Holding onto him because you know there is no-one like him.

How it never matters for the distance for, your soul and his soul are intertwined together. You feel him around you, his presence consuming you, your heart longing for him.

Catching yourself daydreaming, wondering how his day is going, is he okay? What is he doing at this moment? Hoping he is safe and well, wanting to experience living in his world just once.

Wondering if he is doing the same too….

(This is a segment part of a creative writing I am currently doing. Had the urge to share it. Much Love, Konijja)

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Blog, Creative Writing

Prologue

The rhythm of the ocean swaying gently into the shore. The soft, tender breeze caressing my face. The cool wind quietly swallowing my loud mind. My feet pillowing the smooth sand, the water mirroring my pained reflection. My eyes magnifying the troubled soul that wanted to let out the cries, wanting to be heard, wanting to be felt.

I dreamt of living near the ocean, to live in a place where I could be in solitude, living in the silence and being surrounded by Earth’s nature. For wishing that the first thing I wake up to is the sight of the ocean, and for the last vision that my eyes see before entering a dreamless state is the sight of the ocean.

Walking back towards my home. The well-lit up lanterns on both of the pillars in my front porch providing a dimly lit glow, walking up the steps and opening the door to be welcomed with sweet heaven. Living alone had provided me with safety I have never felt, comfort I seek, in not relying on anybody but my own self. Looking at the place that I have created, the spacious opening. The airy space of this house had me hooked and captivated in its beauty, for the crisp sounds of the ocean echoing into my home, instant lull of peace. My safe haven, my healer. Breathing in and exhaling, living within the atmosphere of Earth’s nature, the cleanliness of the cooling air, the autumn breeze giving me goosebumps, the little hairs on my arms standing up. Gazing at the open space of the ground floor. The bright shades of whites and grays opening the house, the simplicity of my home allowing my mind to breathe, in bringing harmony in my soul and spirit. Walking down the hallway, up the stairs, through the expansive hallway with walls that are filled with my favourite people, decorated with personal art, down the corridor to my bedroom. The glass interior allowing the first glance to be the picturesque, serene view of water which the night sky accompanies. The full moon being a hint of pink leaving me breathless at the sheer beauty of the visionary sight, the lunar moon is a sight to behold as I gaze at the glimpses of differing shades of grey. The gleaming, shimmering stars illuminating the darkness, beautifying the sky with its glistening celestial galaxies. Pure heaven.

Laying in the bed, pulling the duvet over my body. Bringing myself in a straight position lying on my back, I dread the moment when sleep should take over me. The memories, thoughts, the emotions that want attention, wanting to surface into my consciousness overpowering me. I dread the moments of nightfall. The tides of the ocean lulling me into drowsiness.

“There is peace in acceptance” I whisper.

“I am not identified with pain” I utter.

“My suffering does not make me who I am” I affirm.

“I am okay” I speak.

Yet, the tears begin to roll down my cheeks into my hairline, the flow of tears rushing down my face. Turning to my sides, with my knees up and a hunched back, squeezing the side of my pillow into the shape of a fist. The hot tears continuously streaming down my face, my body shaking along with the waves of the heaving tears, wheezing until I become breathless with sore skin. It has always been like this, for years the void in my soul getting heavier, deepening into my being disappearing into abyss, into emptiness. Overcome with sleep, my eyes begin to close, as sleep takes over me, silencing me into a subconscious trance. Before swimming into unconsciousness, “Save me.” I murmur, unknowingly mumbling the words that have shifted my whole goddamn world.

(Thank you for reading. This is a prologue for a passion project. Hope you have enjoyed what is written so far. Much Love, Konijja)

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Blog, Creative Writing

Silence (My Healer)

Drip. Drop. Goes the sound of the water. Drips of water that left the hot tap leaving the sink disappearing down the drain. The silence. The silence that surrounds me, the silence that comforts me, silence is within everything. Every living thing, in everything that I do. Silence after I breathe, silence after each footstep. Silence after the madness, pain. Silence in every laughter, every shout of joy. Silence when I wake up, and when I fall asleep. Silence after gushes of wind moving through my body, silence surrounds me. Silence after the intense conversation and nothing to say. What comes after the noise is the silence. Silence lives within.

Every tears, cries ending in silence, Every laughter that I have shared ending in silence, every breath that I exhaled ending in silence. Every voice ending in silence, the noice quietening and silence embracing me. The sharp pain within my chest evolving into nothingness, ending and transforming into silence, into calmness. Into tranquility.

The distant lull of the water hitting the shore, each wave flowing in the rhythm of the gentle, swaying trees with the pelting rain. Every stream of water, every sway of the leaves in trees ending in silence.

Looking out the window, gazing at my view. The moonlight illuminating against the now luminiscent ocean. The sound of the tender waves of the ocean in level with Earth, the serene flow of swooning trees, the gentle and light breeze. Peace. The twinkling starts gleaming within the sky, along the moon igniting, brightening the sky. Radiating the wonderful perfection of this magnificent Universe. My healer.

Pain does not have to be something I have to be accustomed with. Pain is fleeting and emotions move, evolve and shift into abyss. Just lke the wax holding onto the fragrance of jasmine until it cannot anymore. Just like when the rain stops, the rainbow reveals its presence accompanied with the sun. Just like agony, suffering transforming into love and peace and pain turning into joy, into happiness.

I can become one.

“I am okay. I am living. I am breathing” I chant to myself.

Walking towards my bedside, lighting up the candle. The gradual, delicate scent of jasmine oozing from its wax. The sweetness of jasmine streaming into the darkest corners of my room. Warm, toasty blanket of the heavenly scent surrounding me. Refreshing and tingling my senses with its divine aura of healing energies and sensuality.

The rush of emotions pouring over me, the intense sharpness against my chest, reaching into my throat. Intensifying, inflaming within. The tingling sensations writhing against my eyes, the watery substance flowing down my cheeks in freefall. “I am okay, I am alive, I am breathing” I chant to myself, tasting the saltiness of my tears. “I miss him” I weakly whisper in admission, speaking into nothingness. Into silence. The ocean crashing against the shore in sync with me, the rain welting down, fading into the hollowness of the ocean. Inhaling the fragmatic aroma of jasmine, the pleasant scent that soothes, silencing the tones of sadness. Quietly calming my soul and body into a dreamless state of peace. Into silence.

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Blog, Spirituality

Essence of Gratitude

Gratitude is peace. Gratitude is love. Gratitude is healing. Gratitude is kindness, happiness, genorosity. Gratitude is thankfulness. Gratitude is gratefulness. Gratitude has the power of setting the tone for a new day. Whether it is through affirmations in the mornings/nights, aligning your mind, soul and spirit, journalling and being mindful of things to be grateful for throughout the day. Allowing yourself to shift your mind to positive thinking, living within positive energies and creating a healthy mindset.

Gratefulness gives us the power of transforming the ways we see ourselves and how we see life. Either in everyday life or life in hindsight (holistically). The significance of gratitude is not in the huge milestones, or in life-altering moments, rather the moments we view as insignificance. In regular lives, everyday activities/routines or living within the familiarities of life.

“Be grateful for what you have now. As you begin to think about all the things in life you are grateful for, you will be amazed at the never ending thoughts that come back to you of more things to be grateful for. You have to make a start, and the law of attraction will recieve those grateful thoughts and give you more just like them”

Rhonda Byrne

The essence of gratitude is within the simplicities of living spaces, things we are used to, things we are not mindful of. From appreciating our senses: touch, sight, smell, hearing and taste. Being able to have a functional body: mouth, ears, nose, fingers, toes, arms, legs, spine. To being able to experience life.

Gratefulness is living within the smallest fragments of our lives, in the ability to think, feel, breathe, live. Gratitude is being kind to yourself; valuing your body, soul and spirit. Gratitude is loving your body, soul and spirit. In appreciating yourself. Gratitude is pouring your body, soul and spirit with inner peace.

You can have countless problems, you can be in pain, in suffering. You can be experiencing erratic thoughts and feelings but you can find moments of gratitude. You are here, you are alive, you are present. We are living in a magnificent planet that allows us to live, breathe, in being present. We are alive, our thoughts and feelings are valid, there is light in the darkness, there is moments of gratefulness in situations that seems impossible to get out of. There is power in relying on your body, aligning your body, soul and spirit.

We are infinite.

Gratitude is in the simplicities of living spaces. Feelings are fleeting, thoughts are temporary, life situations are ephemeral. You are here, you are alive, you are living, you are breathing, you are infinite. I repeat these words in ways in affirming, in reminding ourselves of when there are hardships, there are always ways to think positively, in training our minds to have healthy perceptions. To put into perspective, breathing is something we consistently do, many have the capabilities of doing so independently. However, there are people who are not breathing, or have to rely on a machine to be able to breathe. It is not about disregarding thoughts, feelings or life situations but, how we have the means of doing it on our own yet, not something we think about, that we have the ability to breathe on our own. Gratitude is in the simplicities of living spaces.

Gratitude has fundamental properties in healing, enhancing positive energies and life. Our minds are tools, it feeds off of what we think, feel, read, listen, see. It is an instrument that plays in the ways we function; implementing gratitude is the definite way in training our minds into positive thinking, inducing a healthier mindset. There is always something to be grateful for. Gratitude is a way of life.

Gratitude is peace. Gratitude is love. Gratitude is healing. I am okay; I am alive; I am here, present in this moment; I am living, breathing; I exist in this world; I am infinite.

“Gratitude is a state of being in which we feel connected to everything in the universe. It is a fullness of the heart that recognizes the blessings of nature within and without. Gratitude is the love for the goodness of life itself.”

Deepak chopra

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Blog

Illusion Of Time

Time is a beautiful illusion. This concept allows us to believe we have time in experiencing life. Time. Many think we have, do not have or don’t have enough of.

What if there was no such thing as time and there was only infinity, a timeless state. Life is infinite, the world we live in is infinite, the space that swirls around us and orbits around us is infinite. God is infinite, Universe is an infinite space, life is infinite, love is infinite and peace is infinite. So does time exist, if our surroundings are limitless?

There have been many moments in life, where I would live in peace, stillness and life would move through me, there was no fear of time, obsession over time. There was only presence and stillness. Moments where I was in deep consciousness made me think of what an illusion time is, how we stress about time, how time influences the life that we live and how we make our decisions.

How I viewed moments of not having no time, or not having enough time is accepting what is. Accepting what is allows us to make peace of situations we cannot change, when at peace there is no anxiousness surrounding time. It is something we need to unlearn to do, and not something many people think about. Like a simple context as being in a situation where you are late for an event. You cannot really change the fact that you are late, yet it is something we put so much energy into stressing and fearing about. What can you do when you are late? Accept that it is what is? To life situations that can hinder your growth, healing and well-being: when believing in right or wrong timing. It is essential to pour yourself with kindness, compassion and love when life isn’t going the way that you want it to. Time gives us a sense of identity, pain gives us a sense of identity. Accepting what is provides us with peace and a deep conscious state of mind

We believe in fate, destiny. We believe in everything happening for a reason yet, we believe in time and that time influences the life situations that we are in. It wasn’t wrong timing, it was supposed to happen for your life. It does not need to be negative circumstances, many times they are blessings, lessons and a reason for us to grow and evolve. Healing comes in different shapes, stories and sizes.

How can time exist, when we live in a space of infinity?

Maybe it is accepting what is, maybe it is not about right or wrong time. Rather about embracing the happenings of life. Time is a devastating illusion that has the ability to control us, restrict us and limit us from experiencing the wholeness of life.

Eckhart Tolle said it best: “To be identified with your mind is to be trapped in time: the compulsion to live almost exclusively through memory and anticipation. This creates an endless preoccupation with past and fuure and an unwillingness to honour and acknowledge the present moment and allow it to be.”

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What Is Ego?

Ego. I have been thinking about this word, the meaning and significance it holds. Ego defined as “your idea or opinion of yourself especially your feeling of your own importance and ability.” When having a growing relationship with myself, the more I choose love and peace. Having an egoic mind is becoming farther away, where superficiality can never belong in pure and true energies. I have grown farther away from ego and embraced vulnerability, in living within love and peace.

Ego is driven by destruction and devastation. Ego is led by hatred, resentment and revenge; deeply negative induced energies that goes against the grain of living in harmony and love.

From existing within the society, the identifications we have given ourselves, the labels, beliefs, ideations/concepts. When living in a society that has created divide between us and our mind identifications on how we see ourselves, our reactions when it comes to life situations, our behaviour, thoughts and emotions. How ego creates a bridge between humanity and oneness. Having an egoic mind stimulates harm and suffering, distancing oneself deeply away from living in consciousness.

Ego causes more suffering, it hurts us more than it protects us from life situations. What we identify with, the significance that one’s beliefs hold, morals and values truly has no importance when it comes to love and peace, the fundamentals of our being, in being.

Sometimes our prides are our enemies, living in our minds and creating an attachment to words, thoughts, feelings is what heightens a barrier when it comes to experiencing life, saying yes to life and accepting love and peace. In accepting or embracing what is.

Where there is love, there is no ego. When living in peace, you can’t be attached to your ego. Superficiality does not belong within the energies living in purity. Man made concepts does not live within true living energies. Just like happiness does not live in sadness; life does not live in death; love does not live in agony; peace does not live in disharmony.

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Blog, Romance, short story

Celestial Light

Chapter One

Walking through the woods, the trees swaying, the silence comforting and sound, hearing nothing but my footsteps. The breeze softly caressing my skin forming a small smile at the wonder that surrounds me, the serenity of nature surrounding me. I saw it, the opening of a mystified lake, sticks and stones scattered. The trees creating an alluring and picturesque scene, almost as if protecting their sanctuary, their safe place, their home; so hidden.

Calm and gentle waves flowing with soothing wind, the sound of the enchanting waterfall flowing powerfully yet feels tranquil and cathartic.

As I sit down near the water, I look up at the sky displaying the full moon, sprinkled with stars giving me peace, thinking this is it, this is my safe haven, my home. The breeze of the wind softly moving through my skin almost like gentle touches. Bringing my knees to my chest, I close my eyes. I see him, his wide smile revealing dimples on both cheeks one deeper than the other one, eyes twinkling “so beautiful” I thought.

Every time he was in my presence made me feel so safe and warm, so intense, butterflies swarming in my stomach needing to escape. Breathless. Ooohhh the little little ways he would protect me, not that I needed any, but it made me feel unknown feelings, feelings I couldn’t decipher. “Don’t do that” he would say when someone was laughing at me, “he shouldn’t have done that” he whispered, when a teacher was making fun of me. I could have sworn I saw him waiting for me after the day ended to go home. What an odd person, I said to myself. One whom makes you feel so safe, will protect or defend you over small things without thinking, and who brings out foreign emotions out of you and showers you with compliments: “you’re funny” “what do you mean?” scrunching my face “You’re you, I like it” still treasure those words till this day. But he would not talk to you, rather stay away from you then say something. How interesting.

I lay down beneath the grass taking in the night sky. My mind goes back to the last day, this is probably the last time I will see him, I dejected. There was no talking there was a boatload of unsaid things, there was pain for someone I could not grasp. He would not have liked me anyways, I’d reason, he didn’t say anything, what could I have done? He’ll be the one that got away, I know it. I remember that day, when he left, me running to the corridor to look out the window (yes, I freaking ran), gazing at him for the very last time, so pathetic and stupid, I chastised. Maybe I should have said something, it didn’t matter if he didn’t like me, nor did it matter if he didn’t want anything to do with me, I’ll get it. I would tell myself. It doesn’t matter now, he left and I am here with feelings I don’t know how to handle nor understand and things to say that may never be spoken aloud. It is okay. I will be okay, I convince myself, subconsciously knowing I was deluding myself. Something within me shifted, he did something to me, he moved me in such a way that is foregone, that will be hard to get past. Something heavy furled within my chest as he disappeared out of my view.

Chapter Two

Present Time

I hear rustling from a distance, the trees moving in motion, swaying rhythmically with the wind. I have been disturbed, someone is distracting me from my daydream. I begin to sit up and turn around being aware of my surroundings and alert knowing that anything can happen in the woods considering it is dark and I am alone. My eyes begin to adjust, squinting and continuing to wait. There is more movement, appearing to almost be like a figure seems as if they are heading towards this direction, towards me. As they walk out the shadows of the trees. I see him, I see Rico appearing, what a light, I joked. The moment he appears from the trees and sees me, he smiles brightly, gazing at me so intently, so intense almost as if looking into and through my soul.

“Hi” I exclaim, smiling,

“Rico” I say after a few beats

“Baby”

He sat down next to me, leaving no room between us. He looks around, perhaps thinking of something. Suddenly, he lifts me up by the hips and bridges me between his legs. “You should’ve just asked Rico” I laugh. He answers back with a deep chuckle, left dimple popping out. I lean my head back to his chest, grabbing both his arms and interlocking them around my stomach intertwining our hands together, sparks shooting through my body. I look down seeing our hands connected. I study both our hands, taking my fingers out of his fingers then in, repeating the motion couple of times, kissed his right hand in silent appreciation. My hands look so small wrapped around his hands, I wondered. But, they fit so perfectly. I let my eyes close, leaning back into his chest again, sinking into him and finding a comfortable position, taking in his presence. Something I never had once. There’s silence, not awkward silence but comfortable silence. Taking in our surroundings, embracing the feeling of being close to each other. Reflecting back on the imagination I had, appreciating his mere being, and feeling grateful that he is back in my life.

“I missed you” I whispered.

“I missed you” he replied. Burying his face in my hair, inhaling a deep breathe, pushing me into him as deep as he can. I have the urge to talk about it.

“Rico” I say quietly.

“Hmm”

“Before you came. I, I was thinking about the past. The hurt, the things that occurred to led up to this, but also the way I felt for you and still do.” I still for a moment, thinking of how to go around what I want to say next. Apprehensive for his reaction, I never knew how he will react, he was always full of surprises; I didn’t know he liked me until 3 years later. I ponder, if I didn’t confess would I have ever known. Would life have taken me towards this direction, the path with him in my life?

“From the moment I saw you to the moment I last saw you, so much had happened not physically but emotionally and mentally. There was so much unsaid things between us, the misunderstandings, the lack of communication and then this deep connection that sometimes made me feel like it’s bigger than me, then distance grew, and we parted ways. There was no name nor a way to word it. How was I to explain what I felt for you? There was pain before there was joy; there was distance, separation before unity, oneness and emotional shifts before any physical connection.

When I think about everything that occurred the past years in hindsight, it’s so crazy. Why did everything unfold the way it did. Is it to realise the depth, and intensity of this cosmic force I have for you and possibly you for me? Was we to seperate to realise that no matter how far we run, or how scared I am of the effect you have on me, you’ll always be here and it’ll come back to remind me that I can’t run away from you and this is how I truly feel? Because that is what happened until I realised that I couldn’t avoid my thoughts and feelings for you and I had to confront them.”

There was silence. A long silence left me feeling anticipated. Rico shifts his body to see my face, he studies my face heatedly for few moments. I study his face, his eyes, searching for answers and finding a cue to continue. I do as I gain the confidence to carry on.

“Then I think about the year that you were in my life, that year was the worst that I had in life. I wouldn’t even acknowledge that year if it wasn’t for you in it.” I say, laughingly attempting to shake off the unwarranted nervousness.

“I had unresolved issues, and they seemingly began to creep up again, it was impossible burying them in a subconscious box again. Thinking about life so negatively, not knowing life’s worth, not knowing the essence living had or the privilege it was to simply breathe. It left me quite depressed” I reluctantly admit, even to myself.

“I hurt you, I know it. I said and did things that caused you pain. I apologised. But it never feels enough. I did not want to speak about me until we saw each other, if we were ever going to see each other. I have questions that need answers. You did things too Rico. If you didn’t want me to be near you, you should have told me. You didn’t have to make people you knew at that time do it for you. That hurt, a lot. You got other people involved and they thought it was okay to do it. I wished you said something, when I spoke to you and you didn’t want me to. There were moments when you wouldn’t even look at me whenever I spoke to you, that hurt too. Was I so bad and unattractive that you couldn’t look at my face? You would run away whenever I got close. You seemed so disinterested. That was when I believed and convinced myself that you didn’t like me, you couldn’t. So, I stayed away from you including, your acts of chivalry. I couldn’t entertain it, Rico. It meant something, they signified something. When I declined them, I saw pain Rico. I saw it. When I mentioned it, you stared at me then you walked away. How did you think that made me feel? Why did you do it?” My voice breaking towards the end.

Uttering them words weren’t easy. The hurt associated with those words was torturous. So deeply embedded within, there was a sharp sting in the heart, needing an itch to take it away. I never glanced at him when speaking them aloud. I carried on staring forward at the water, afraid of seeing what emotions was coming out of his eyes. My lips began trembling. Not being able to control the wave of emotions surfacing that I was able to control when talking. Tears were welling around my eyes, knowing what was coming I look down. They flow with earnest. They flow. “Damn it” I whisper, frustrated that I can’t keep my emotions in check.

I was too in deep within my own thoughts to be aware of what was going on around me, that I didn’t see hands appearing to cup my cheeks. Forcing me to look up. When I knew what he wanted, I forced my eyes shut, not ready to see what was in front of me.

“Open your eyes Koni” he croaked.

His hands caress my cheeks, wiping the tears away. He brings his forehead to mine. Not saying anything.

Inhaling sharply almost, as if struggling to let out words.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry”

I’m not finished. I told him so. Bringing his hands onto my lap, intertwining them tightly. “I need to finish what I have to say, I don’t want to hurt you, I know you never meant it.” Putting my hand on top of his, I stroke his hand with my thumb, more for my comfort than his. “I’m sorry too, I’m so sorry Rico. Saying those words never feels enough to remove years of pain.” I whispered. If only there was a way to remove the years of pain, I would do it. I just hope the years ahead surpass and heal the past four years of suffering.

“Despite, the hurt that we inflicted towards each other. In that period of life and even now, you were the only good thing that happened. I can’t regret meeting you because you were something, I looked forward to seeing. Every day I would wake up excited knowing that I was going to see you. We didn’t have to talk, just being in your presence, in your space was enough for me. It made me feel happy, to see your face look out the door every time I entered the room, it made me happy. It made me feel okay even if it was just for a couple of moments. The small moments of being in your proximity, the little conversations that we would have was the only thing I wanted in my head for days. Even after we went separate ways, you continued to be my light, the only thing that made me feel safe for the last four years. You protected me just by thought, by feeling. My light. I missed you, I missed you alot. Even with distance, when I was growing and moving on in life, the only place life wasn’t moving on from was with you and I never understood why.”

Chapter Three

Needing to feel closer to him, I move not looking at his face but finding comfort that he is still here. I shuffle myself towards him, finding his shoulders to hold onto while straddling him. Wrapping my legs around his waist hoisting myself up to be in level with his face, bringing my face close to his until we were a breath away. This newfound courage making me feel brave, I put my hands behind his neck bringing it close until our nose are touching. Not having the intention of our mouth connecting together, but just having the want of being in his energy. Needing him to know how much he means to me, the significance of my words that are for only him means to me, that being vulnerable isn’t easy for I never was vulnerable for anyone. I didn’t need to be because he was the first of many things for me including intimacy and romanticism. He did not just come into my life, but he left his imprint, he left his presence inside my soul and the longing never stopped. Not for one moment. Rather, intensified and the intensity of those feelings was something I never knew how to handle. It is something I have just begun to welcome.

If only he knew I never wanted to hurt him. I want his happiness and for him to open himself up to infinite peace. Even if we never were to be together or see each other again, I knew he was always going to be connected to me somehow, someway. The very thought does not scare me, not anymore. My Rico. My beacon of light. His light kept on shining even after we parted ways. His being, his existence was what kept me protected even without his physical spirit. Just the very thought of him and keeping him alive within, during times of struggles; in times of hardships gave me solace, alleviation.

There’s peace and clarity in the finality of speaking those words, especially saying it to him.

The hands that were placed in his jawline, begin their journey around his face. Starting at his forehead, moving to his eyes, such kind eyes. The way he would look at me with those eyes like he is looking deep into my soul, those eyes gazing at me with acceptance, no judgements. I missed them. My fingers travel caressing underneath his eyes. His eyes close at that one, a small smile bounces around my lips relishing that I can do that to him. I move a finger down his nose, then stroke his cheeks I stay there for a brief moment, wondering how he came back to me. My Rico. Shifting my fingers to his lips, running my fingers around them. These lips. The generosity of God’s work is prominent but it’s not that, it’s the smile. So wide and wholesome, gives me so much bliss. My favourite is when I bring a smile out of him when I do or say things in moments of dorkiness. It has given me so much pleasure and joy knowing I can do that to him. I didn’t even need to force the way I was around him; it came out naturally. The best part.

The more I stare at his mouth the more I feel the need for oneness. Without thinking, I move my pointy finger inside his mouth. Rico opens his lips in open invitation. My eyes goes to his eyes and he keeps me there, frozen. Feeling his tongue wetting the pad of my finger, sucking the tip sending shockwaves of pleasure through me, envisioning those lips in hidden parts of my body gets me heated. I add my middle finger and he treats it the same way, biting the pad of my fingers. So hot. I take my fingers out of his mouth, needing to taste us together, I put them inside my mouth, licking it clean. Savouring the way we taste as it sends another rush of arousal to the lower part of my body.

“Fucking hell, Koni. What are you doing to me?” He utters, fingers digging into my hips, bringing his face close to mine.

I place my hands against his chest, feeling his heart beating fast knowing that my heart is moving in the same rhythm. His hands cup my head, running his fingers through my hair. My eyes involuntarily close as the tension between us grows, moving me so powerfully leaving me breathless. Overcome with the need for a taste I wanted him to kiss me and I told him so. With his mouth hovering over mine, the anticipation was torturous, needing to know how it’ll be like to have our lips connect so intimately with imaginations the only thing I am running with. “Say it again, baby. I’m not going to hold back.” “I want you to kiss me, please I need you” I plea, wanting, waiting.

Pulling me close, our lips touch, stars are what I see, fireworks are what I feel. Taking my mouth in a slow caress, touching me so delicately as if testing the waters, with a gentle tug, I tilt my head, giving him permission to take control, for him to dominate. Giving him my trust and exposing my vulnerabilities. Taking my mouth into his so deeply our lips fuse together. Moaning into his mouth, his tongue sweetly invading my mouth, not holding back as he feels every corner of my mouth. His kiss was so exhilarating, so drugging leaving me restless and needing more. Gripping his shirt in fists, I return his kiss just as deep. sweeping my tongue through his teeth, biting his bottom lip, sucking it, revelling in the way his mouth and body feels against me. Our tongue seeking each other, going deeper and harder, teeth clashing with our tongues in a twist. Is this how it’s like to be kissed? For someone to want you just as badly as you want them. To refuse every other guy to have him in this moment, to wait for him. Worth it. My hands search for skin to skin contact, needing to be closer to him, I shift under his shirt groaning into his lips at the feel of his skin, so smooth and soft, brushing my hands against his abs. His hands reach down my back to my ass, squeezing it, pulling me so I hover above his erection. The contact so agonisingly intense, I grind against him. Without breaking the kiss, he takes me to lay me down in the grass with his body towering over me. Enjoying the thrill of his body being over mine rather, than being scared of the closeness. Safe.

We stay like that, exploring each other’s mouth. Catching up on missing moments. His hands start moving to different places of my body, getting restless. “I missed you” I whisper against his lips, my lips quivering. Overtaken with emotions. His face dips to my neck, nipping and sucking at my neck, I open my legs wide for him to nestle between them, wanting his body on top of mine. His hands travel underneath the hem of my dress, momentarily halting. Knowing what he wants “I want you to do it. Please.” My eyes close overcome with heightening pleasure, as his hands resume back to manoeuvring up my waist, to my stomach moving his fingers up, squirting around my bra. Internally applauding myself for the easy access. I press my breasts against his chest needing some form of friction with our bodies. He brings his face above mine, looking at me directly into my eyes. Our breath mingling with each other. “You mean something to me, and I don’t get it. No matter how much I would fight you never went away. You were always there, in my mind.”

Chapter Four

I look into his eyes. “I want you to get off of me, Rico” I utter, gently. He watches me with confusion, his eyes searching my face. “I want you to get off of me, baby” I start again. He did so, still having the face of puzzlement and looking quite aloof. Probably wondering what had changed between now and then. Still maintaining eye contact, I slowly get up, smiling and then walk backwards fixating on his face. “I want you to chase me” I say to his unspoken question. “Say that again” he responds, knowing that he heard me the first time. “I want you to chase me, for you to get up and get me.” Something light appeared in his eyes, silent laughter dancing around his eyes, finally understanding my underlying words. “Koni, make sure you know what you’re asking for because I will chase you and when I do get you, I won’t let you go.” My heart skips a beat accompanied with butterflies, treasuring those words. “Come on then, come and get me. I’m not scared of you” I laughed. With that, I turn and spring towards the woods to the cabin not looking back at him, the rapid footsteps behind me indicates that he indeed is running after me. I look back, smiling seeing that he is returning the same smile. I press my legs to go faster not wanting him to catch up, not yet. I keep on running overwhelmed with adrenaline, feeling so free and whole. Pain changing into something akin to happiness, content.

The beautiful man that is running after me is finally here in my presence, in my life. The man that my body and soul seeks for is here, in my life. My Rico. As I continue to speed through the woods with the man of my dreams and have been waiting for, the breeze is soothingly hitting my face with the moon and stars witnessing the hilarity of two hearts singing. Despite, my uneven breath, heated skin and tiring legs I keep on sprinting through the woods, the trees passing through me. I hear him closing in, not ready for this to be over, I force my legs to speed up. In a distance, I see our cabin in sight. I was so focused on running I didn’t hear the nearing footsteps, with two arms circling around my waist. “No no no no” I chant laughing, feeling him laughing into my neck.

Once I have regained my breathing “your legs are longer than mine” I reason.

“Yeah admit I got you” he said, rather proudly.

“You did” I close my eyes rubbing my fingers against his arms.

Peace.

Peace is what I feel, peace of having someone like him coming into my life to show me how it is like to feel so strongly for someone and willingly wanting him to have all of me. To give him a chance, to give him a chance on this namelessly deep thing that I have with him, for only him. All the years of confusion, pain, searching and trying to move on life still led me to him. Peace is what I feel for accepting what my being feels for him, the deep-seated longing that I have for him has been satiated as we found our way back to each other. Peace of having my happy with him. Two bodies, two souls, two beating hearts, two minds becoming one. Rico. My light. My guiding light. My celestial light.

To Be Continued…

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